DR. MARGARET PAUL is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Heal...

DR. MARGARET PAUL is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Healing Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding" and the recently released Diet For Divine Connection and The Inner Bonding Workbook. Margaret has successfully worked with thousands around the world and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years.

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Letting Go Of Shame

regrets-picture-id820384058 Letting Go of Shame

No matter how badly you currently feel about yourself, you can heal your shame and feel excited about your life.

“I have no value.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t like myself.”
“If they really knew me, they wouldn’t like me.”
“I don’t deserve to be loved by God.”
“I’m not important.”
“My inner child doesn’t deserve to be loved by me.”

I hear this theme over and over from my clients. Shame is a major issue for many people.

Shame comes from two different places:

  • Others shaming us
  • Shaming ourselves.


Shame from Others

As a child, Torre was abused in many ways by her father. Her father used to tell her that she was ugly, that she shouldn’t have been born, that she was garbage. He would hit her with a belt with no provocation, and often touched her inappropriately. Of course, she grew up believing that she had no value.

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Sometimes it’s Hard to be a Loving Adult

lovingadult Sometimes it’s Hard to be a Loving Adult
When do you find it especially hard to show up for yourself as a loving adult?

All of us are, at times, challenged in being a loving adult.

Most of the time I can be a loving adult just by deciding to be. But there are times when I find it extremely difficult, and that’s when I need someone to step in and help me. For me, it’s when I’m exhausted due to not having slept well for a number of nights, or when I’m sick – which fortunately is rare for me. At these times, I just can’t get my frequency high enough to connect with my guidance, and without my guidance, I’m lost. I feel like I’m trying to navigate life with a blindfold on.

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Resistance to Being a Loving Adult

Resistance Resistance to Being a Loving Adult
Have you experienced feeling resistance to being a loving adult and taking responsibility for your feelings?


When I first started practicing Inner Bonding, I was in much resistance to taking responsibility for myself. I had spent too many years believing that getting love – and trying to have control over getting love – was the road to happiness and self-esteem, and I was very reluctant to give up this project. I felt resentful that after all this time and effort, I had to do this for myself. It didn’t seem fair. After all, I had spent most of my life taking responsibility for others, so why shouldn’t they do this for me?

While sitting with Carol at a 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensive, I saw myself in her. Carol was stuck in resistance. She knew in her head that to feel happy and full inside, she needed to show up as a loving adult and take responsibility for her painful feelings, but she didn’t want to. She thought that if she opened her heart to herself, as she was being invited to do, she would feel controlled by me – even though she knew that opening her heart was in her highest good. She was determined to make me responsible for how she felt – to get me to give her the love that she didn’t want to have to give to herself, and that she believed she couldn’t do.
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“I Can’t Feel God’s Love for Me”

feelinglove “I Can’t Feel God’s Love for Me”

“When I open to my spiritual guidance, aren’t I supposed to feel loved by God?” asked Tracey in a Skype session with me.

“Yes,” I answered, “but you might have a misconception about how you experience this love. When do you feel love in your heart?”

“I feel the most love when I’m playing with my nephews.”

“So when you play with your nephews, your heart is open – right?”

“Yes. I love them so much and I love playing with them.”

“Tracey, this is what it feels like to feel God’s love. When your intent is to love, your heart opens and fills with God-which-is-love. And the same thing will occur when your intent is to love yourself. Can you imagine wanting to love yourself and take loving action on behalf of the beautiful little child within you the way you love your nephews?”

“I think that’s a problem for me,” she said. “It’s easy for me to want to be present with them and give them love and attention, but it’s hard for me to want to do this for myself.”

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What Makes You Feel Most Connected With Others?

relationships What Makes You Feel Most Connected With Others?
What makes you feel connected with or disconnected from the important people in your life?


Connection with the people who are important to us is a vital need for everyone. Our brains are hard-wired to share love and connection with others. Many of us know that infants and children need a loving connection with their parents to thrive, and that many emotional problems result when this connection is not available.

Through practicing Inner Bonding, we learn how important it is to connect with ourselves and with our spiritual guidance. We learn that it is difficult to connect with another on an emotional level when we are not connected with our own feelings, and it is difficult to be open and vulnerable when we are not connected with the strength and love of our guidance.

Each of us experience connection differently, and for a relationship to thrive, we need to understand what connection means to each of us.

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What Heals Your Ego Wounded Self?

close-up-shot-of-hand-holding-yellow-leaf-of-heart-shape-with-sun-picture-id1036050176 What Heals Your Ego Wounded Self?

The journey of healing our ego wounded self is a profound and deeply sacred journey.

“Does the wounded self ever get healed?”
“How does the wounded self get healed?”
“What happens to the wounded self as we heal?”

My ego wounded self, like everyone’s, came into being when I didn’t receive the love I needed and I decided that it was my fault – that I wasn’t good enough. I hid away my core self and went about trying to figure out how to be to get love, avoid pain, and feel safe. I developed many of false beliefs about myself and others, and learned to be very judgmental toward myself to have control over getting myself to do things “right”, so that others would like me and not get angry at me or reject me.

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What Do You Do To Avoid The Pain Of Life?

unhappy What Do You Do To Avoid The Pain Of Life?
How do you try to avoid the painful feelings caused by others and events, and what is the result?

We all learned many way of avoiding the existential pain of life when we were growing up, because we could not manage feeling it when we were little. Now, as adults, most people continue to protect in the ways they learned, even though today, adults, we can learn to manage our core pain through Inner Bonding.

Most of our core pain comes from others being unloving to us or to themselves, disconnecting from us and from themselves. We all desire connection with those important to us, and we naturally feel these deeper painful feelings, especially when someone important to us disconnects from us with their own protections – their anger, blame, withdrawal, and so on.

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Do I Have To Be Healed To Attract My Beloved?

man-and-woman-sitting-by-the-sea-kissing-at-sunset-at-meloneras-beach-picture-id1124728680 Do I Have To Be Healed To Attract My Beloved?

One of my clients asked me the following question: “Can I attract my beloved if I’m still in the process of healing my inner pain?”

The simple answer is “Yes,” but the actual answer is more complex.

 

Healing is a Process

Healing is an ongoing process of learning to be less judgmental and more compassionate with yourself. Healing pain isn’t just about the past – It’s primarily about how you are currently treating yourself. For example:

  • You judge yourself as not good enough and you feel pain. While you might have learned to do this as a child from others who judged or rejected you, the fact that you are still doing it as an adult means that you are rejecting yourself and re-creating your pain. Your pain will not heal as long as you are rejecting yourself.
  • You avoid your feelings by numbing them with various addictions, or you avoid them by staying focused in your mind and ignoring what is happening inside where your feelings are. This creates a feeling of inner rejection and abandonment, as well as emptiness and neediness. Again, you are re-creating the old pain of not being loved as you were growing up.
  • You tend to make others responsible for your safety and self-worth. They have to approve of you in order for you to feel that you are okay. Your feeling self – your inner child – feels abandoned by you when you give him or her away to others for approval.

As long as you continue to reject and abandon yourself, you will meet partners at your common level of self-abandonment – partners who are also rejecting and abandoning themselves.

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Why You Might Afraid to Be Open With Your Partner or Others

truth-lie Why You Might Afraid to Be Open With Your Partner or Others
Discover what you are sacrificing if you withhold your truth due to your fear of others’ reactions.

“He will be so angry if I tell him that.”
“I’m afraid of losing her if I’m honest with her.”

How often have you said to yourself, “I can’t say that because he or she will get angry, shut down, get hurt, or leave”?

How do you feel when you are not open with your partner or others about your feelings, needs, wants, and actions? I have noticed that when I don’t speak my truth, I feel angry or depressed inside. My inner child really hates it if I allow fear to stop me from being fully authentic. My anger or depression is my inner child’s way of letting me know that I am abandoning her.

When your partner or others react to your truth with anger, withdrawal, hurt, or threats of leaving, they believe that their controlling behavior is working for them. Because you are either willing to lose yourself rather than lose them, or you are willing to lie or withhold the truth, they can continue to react with their controlling behavior without directly experiencing the consequences of their behavior on the relationship.

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2 Secrets to Peace, Joy and Keeping Your Frequency High

compassionandgratitude 2 Secrets to Peace, Joy and Keeping Your Frequency High

A high frequency is necessary to feel love and joy, and to manifest your dreams. Learn two secrets to keeping your frequency high.

I have discovered that there are two choices I can make that, together, invariably put me into a high frequency and bring me inner peace and joy. While either of these choices are always beneficial, together they are incredibly powerful!

Gratitude

We all know how important gratitude is, but the problem is that often we express our gratitude in a fairly rote manner. The kind of gratitude I’m referring to is moment-by-moment gratitude for every big and little thing, and the overriding gratitude that we are never alone – that spirit is always here for us.

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Obsessing, Ruminating, Worrying…Oh My!

worried Obsessing, Ruminating, Worrying…Oh My!
Are you ready to move beyond obsessive ruminating and worry? Are you ready to move beyond fear, anxiety and depression? What works for me can work for you too!

I used to spend hours and even days ruminating about different things – a conflict with someone important to me, a work situation, finances, time pressures. I would obsessively worry or try to figure out the “right” thing to do or how to get the outcome I wanted. Of course, I would end up drained, anxious and confused, but this didn’t deter me from this addiction. It was in my blood, absorbed from my mother and grandmother.

In some wounded part of me, I believed that ruminating, obsessing, and worrying would somehow give me control over the outcome of things. I was afraid not to obsess – not to try to control others and outcomes.

But ruminating, obsessing and worrying created very low-frequency feelings of fear, anxiety, and depression…

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Relationships: Avoiding the Line of Fire

breakingup Relationships: Avoiding the Line of Fire
Do you try to talk with someone when you already know he or she is closed? Consider NOT putting your inner child in the line of fire.

How often do you ask a question of or make a statement to a partner, co-worker, friend, or relative at a time when you already know they are closed or angry? Then, when they are predictably angry or defensive, you feel upset by their response. Why do you put your inner child in the line of fire? What are you hoping to gain by asking a question or making a statement when you already know they are closed?

Go inside for a moment and ask yourself this question: “Why do I try to communicate with someone whom I already know is angry, defensive, or withdrawn? What do I hope will happen?”

If you are honest with yourself, you will see that your hope is that by asking the question or making the statement, the other person will respond with openness. Now, again be honest with yourself – how often has this happened? What usually happens instead?

Very often, they continue to be angry or defensive and then you feel really badly because your covert manipulation hasn’t worked.

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Healing Procrastination

procrastination Are you a procrastinator? Are you ready to get unstuck?

Oscar was stuck in his life; the following issue he presented in our session was one example of how he was stuck:

“My parents are coming to visit tomorrow and, as has been my pattern, my house is a dirty mess. I usually spend the day before they arrive frantically cleaning, which I will do today, but this time I’d like to do it differently and not beat myself up and judge myself. How to get the tasks done with peace, joy, and compassion? It’s a challenge because I feel pressured and get angry with myself for letting things go.”

“Oscar, there must be a good reason that you keep your house a mess and then feel frantic when you need to clean it up. How old were you when you first started resisting things like cleaning up your room? And how old were you when you started to beat yourself up for letting things go?”

“I think I started resisting things when I was very young. I resisted getting toilet trained, and I resisted getting good grades. My mother was so controlling and invasive that I think I learned these ways of not being controlled by her.”

“So the part of you resisting is two or three?’

“Yes, that sounds right. And now that I think of it, my mom was very judgmental and I think I took over the job of judging myself when I started junior high school.”

“So you have an inner system with a young adolescent trying to control you with anger and judgment, like your mother did, and then a 2-3 year old not wanting to be controlled and resisting. As long as these parts of you are in charge, you are not going to be able to clean up with peace and joy. Is it just about cleaning up that you procrastinate, or do you do it with other issues?”

“I do it most of the time with everything.”

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We Can’t Control Others, But Here’s How To Influence Them

little-boy-exploring-picture-id534502310 We Can’t Control Others, But Here’s How To Influence Them
Rather than trying to control others, which never works in the long run, learn how you can influence others.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.” – Albert Schweitzer

Inner Bonding teaches that we have no control over others’ intent, choices, and how they feel about us. However, while we have no control, we can influence others. Our own loving or unloving behavior can have a huge influence on others.

Think back in your life to the people who most influenced you.

  • Who influenced you regarding your controlling and addictive behavior?
  • Who influenced you regarding your loving, personally powerful behavior?

The problem for many of us is that we have far too many role models of unloving behavior toward ourselves and others, and far too few role models of loving behavior. This is why it is so important to be able to turn to your guidance for what’s loving to you and to others.

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The One and Only Dependable Source of Love

loveMP The One and Only Dependable Source of Love
Do you make others your dependable source of love – your Higher Power?


Seth and Lisa consulted with me because they had been married only a year and were having problems. Seth was often angry at Lisa, and Lisa felt shut down to Seth.

“Seth,” I asked him, “What are you wanting from Lisa that you are not getting?”

“I want her to be my dependable source of love. She is my wife and she should be my dependable source of love.”

Seth was doing what many people do in relationships – he was making Lisa his Higher Power. Having no spiritual connection of his own, he kept trying to access love through Lisa. Lisa, feeling pulled on by Seth to fill the emptiness caused by his self-abandonment, had withdrawn.

We all need a dependable source of love, but to expect another to be that dependable source creates the codependency that leads to the relationship difficulties that Seth and Lisa were experiencing.

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3 Underlying Reasons Why You Might Judge Others

keen-business-intuition-picture-id643272238 3 Underlying Reasons Why You Might Judge Others
Are you aware of often judging and criticizing others? Discover why you may be doing this and how Inner Bonding heals this.

I received the following request from a member of Inner Bonding Village:

“I was just thinking that it would be helpful to understand how Inner Bonding helps us with the following: We tend to judge or be critical of others in our lives – at work, strangers, relationships of all types, with people we come in contact with in our lives. We see them as people we criticize for whatever reason – they annoy us, irritate us, or we see them as too fat, too thin, too bald, too much hair, too cute, whatever. We treat others around us in the workplace or other places with contempt or just plain don’t like them for whatever selfish reason. How does inner bonding fit into this? I can think of people at work whom I really don’t like being with for whatever reason. We tend to judge and be critical and non-empathetic, including drivers, phone solicitors, etc. How can Inner Bonding help us with this negative outlook of others, and why is this so common? Thanks – an article on this would be helpful.”

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Do You Judge Your Feelings? Here is What to Do Instead

judgingoneself Do You Judge Your Feelings? Here is What to Do Instead
Judgments can block the vital information your feelings offer you, preventing the release of stress or pain that expression of some feelings provides.

Did you grow up being taught that feeling and expressing your feelings is wrong or bad – especially your painful feelings?

I often have the experience with my clients of hearing them apologize when they start to cry. “I’m so sorry that I’m getting emotional,” they often say to me.

“It’s okay to cry,” I tell them. “Crying is a natural way of expressing feelings and releasing pain.” When they are trying to be very quiet about it, I often say, “It’s okay to cry out loud and allow yourself to make noise.”

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The Surprising Healing Power of the Loving Adult

lovingadult Discover why you cannot heal without a spiritually connected loving adult.
Our loving adult is who we are when our intent is to learn about loving ourselves and others, and we are connected with our spiritual guidance.

Before Inner Bonding, I practiced as a traditional psychotherapist, and I often wondered why true healing seldom occurred. By true healing, I mean that people left their work with me feeling a deep sense of self-worth and inner safety, with relatively little anxiety and depression, and they knew how to manage their pain and they understood how to create a loving relationship. I didn’t know how to accomplish all this for myself, so of course I couldn’t help others to do it. Yet I was doing all I had learned in school, all I had learned from books, all I had learned from my own extensive psychotherapy, and all I had learned from the many other ways I had sought healing.
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The Fear of Loving

depression-picture-id663870814 The Fear of Loving
Loving holds within it the greatest joy and the greatest pain in life. Yet, without it, life is empty.

Love. We all want it. We develop many ways of trying to get love and be loved. From the time we are infants, we do not thrive without it. When we don’t get it, we may turn to many addictions to fill the emptiness that occurs when we don’t feel loved. When we feel loved, we are on top of the world.
Yet many people have a fear of loving. Not a fear of being loved – a fear of loving. 

Why Would Someone Fear Loving?

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Attracting at Our Common Level of Woundedness

red-heartshaped-tree-in-the-field-against-the-background-of-a-decline-picture-id898937938 Attracting at Our Common Level of Woundedness
Are you attracting people who turn out to be very controlling or unavailable? Discover how you are attracting at your common level of woundedness.

I have often stated that we attract each other at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, and people often ask “What exactly does this mean?”

Our level of woundedness is the level at which we abandon ourselves, while our level of health is the level at which we are loving ourselves. In any given relationship, the way each partner abandons him or herself may be different, but how much they each abandon themselves within the primary relationship is similar.

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