DR. MARGARET PAUL is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Heal...

DR. MARGARET PAUL is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Healing Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding" and the recently released Diet For Divine Connection and The Inner Bonding Workbook. Margaret has successfully worked with thousands around the world and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years.

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2 Secrets to Peace, Joy and Keeping Your Frequency High

compassionandgratitude 2 Secrets to Peace, Joy and Keeping Your Frequency High

A high frequency is necessary to feel love and joy, and to manifest your dreams. Learn two secrets to keeping your frequency high.

I have discovered that there are two choices I can make that, together, invariably put me into a high frequency and bring me inner peace and joy. While either of these choices are always beneficial, together they are incredibly powerful!

Gratitude

We all know how important gratitude is, but the problem is that often we express our gratitude in a fairly rote manner. The kind of gratitude I’m referring to is moment-by-moment gratitude for every big and little thing, and the overriding gratitude that we are never alone – that spirit is always here for us.

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Obsessing, Ruminating, Worrying…Oh My!

worried Obsessing, Ruminating, Worrying…Oh My!
Are you ready to move beyond obsessive ruminating and worry? Are you ready to move beyond fear, anxiety and depression? What works for me can work for you too!

I used to spend hours and even days ruminating about different things – a conflict with someone important to me, a work situation, finances, time pressures. I would obsessively worry or try to figure out the “right” thing to do or how to get the outcome I wanted. Of course, I would end up drained, anxious and confused, but this didn’t deter me from this addiction. It was in my blood, absorbed from my mother and grandmother.

In some wounded part of me, I believed that ruminating, obsessing, and worrying would somehow give me control over the outcome of things. I was afraid not to obsess – not to try to control others and outcomes.

But ruminating, obsessing and worrying created very low-frequency feelings of fear, anxiety, and depression…

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Relationships: Avoiding the Line of Fire

breakingup Relationships: Avoiding the Line of Fire
Do you try to talk with someone when you already know he or she is closed? Consider NOT putting your inner child in the line of fire.

How often do you ask a question of or make a statement to a partner, co-worker, friend, or relative at a time when you already know they are closed or angry? Then, when they are predictably angry or defensive, you feel upset by their response. Why do you put your inner child in the line of fire? What are you hoping to gain by asking a question or making a statement when you already know they are closed?

Go inside for a moment and ask yourself this question: “Why do I try to communicate with someone whom I already know is angry, defensive, or withdrawn? What do I hope will happen?”

If you are honest with yourself, you will see that your hope is that by asking the question or making the statement, the other person will respond with openness. Now, again be honest with yourself – how often has this happened? What usually happens instead?

Very often, they continue to be angry or defensive and then you feel really badly because your covert manipulation hasn’t worked.

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Healing Procrastination

procrastination Are you a procrastinator? Are you ready to get unstuck?

Oscar was stuck in his life; the following issue he presented in our session was one example of how he was stuck:

“My parents are coming to visit tomorrow and, as has been my pattern, my house is a dirty mess. I usually spend the day before they arrive frantically cleaning, which I will do today, but this time I’d like to do it differently and not beat myself up and judge myself. How to get the tasks done with peace, joy, and compassion? It’s a challenge because I feel pressured and get angry with myself for letting things go.”

“Oscar, there must be a good reason that you keep your house a mess and then feel frantic when you need to clean it up. How old were you when you first started resisting things like cleaning up your room? And how old were you when you started to beat yourself up for letting things go?”

“I think I started resisting things when I was very young. I resisted getting toilet trained, and I resisted getting good grades. My mother was so controlling and invasive that I think I learned these ways of not being controlled by her.”

“So the part of you resisting is two or three?’

“Yes, that sounds right. And now that I think of it, my mom was very judgmental and I think I took over the job of judging myself when I started junior high school.”

“So you have an inner system with a young adolescent trying to control you with anger and judgment, like your mother did, and then a 2-3 year old not wanting to be controlled and resisting. As long as these parts of you are in charge, you are not going to be able to clean up with peace and joy. Is it just about cleaning up that you procrastinate, or do you do it with other issues?”

“I do it most of the time with everything.”

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We Can’t Control Others, But Here’s How To Influence Them

little-boy-exploring-picture-id534502310 We Can’t Control Others, But Here’s How To Influence Them
Rather than trying to control others, which never works in the long run, learn how you can influence others.

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.” – Albert Schweitzer

Inner Bonding teaches that we have no control over others’ intent, choices, and how they feel about us. However, while we have no control, we can influence others. Our own loving or unloving behavior can have a huge influence on others.

Think back in your life to the people who most influenced you.

  • Who influenced you regarding your controlling and addictive behavior?
  • Who influenced you regarding your loving, personally powerful behavior?

The problem for many of us is that we have far too many role models of unloving behavior toward ourselves and others, and far too few role models of loving behavior. This is why it is so important to be able to turn to your guidance for what’s loving to you and to others.

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The One and Only Dependable Source of Love

loveMP The One and Only Dependable Source of Love
Do you make others your dependable source of love – your Higher Power?


Seth and Lisa consulted with me because they had been married only a year and were having problems. Seth was often angry at Lisa, and Lisa felt shut down to Seth.

“Seth,” I asked him, “What are you wanting from Lisa that you are not getting?”

“I want her to be my dependable source of love. She is my wife and she should be my dependable source of love.”

Seth was doing what many people do in relationships – he was making Lisa his Higher Power. Having no spiritual connection of his own, he kept trying to access love through Lisa. Lisa, feeling pulled on by Seth to fill the emptiness caused by his self-abandonment, had withdrawn.

We all need a dependable source of love, but to expect another to be that dependable source creates the codependency that leads to the relationship difficulties that Seth and Lisa were experiencing.

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3 Underlying Reasons Why You Might Judge Others

keen-business-intuition-picture-id643272238 3 Underlying Reasons Why You Might Judge Others
Are you aware of often judging and criticizing others? Discover why you may be doing this and how Inner Bonding heals this.

I received the following request from a member of Inner Bonding Village:

“I was just thinking that it would be helpful to understand how Inner Bonding helps us with the following: We tend to judge or be critical of others in our lives – at work, strangers, relationships of all types, with people we come in contact with in our lives. We see them as people we criticize for whatever reason – they annoy us, irritate us, or we see them as too fat, too thin, too bald, too much hair, too cute, whatever. We treat others around us in the workplace or other places with contempt or just plain don’t like them for whatever selfish reason. How does inner bonding fit into this? I can think of people at work whom I really don’t like being with for whatever reason. We tend to judge and be critical and non-empathetic, including drivers, phone solicitors, etc. How can Inner Bonding help us with this negative outlook of others, and why is this so common? Thanks – an article on this would be helpful.”

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Do You Judge Your Feelings? Here is What to Do Instead

judgingoneself Do You Judge Your Feelings? Here is What to Do Instead
Judgments can block the vital information your feelings offer you, preventing the release of stress or pain that expression of some feelings provides.

Did you grow up being taught that feeling and expressing your feelings is wrong or bad – especially your painful feelings?

I often have the experience with my clients of hearing them apologize when they start to cry. “I’m so sorry that I’m getting emotional,” they often say to me.

“It’s okay to cry,” I tell them. “Crying is a natural way of expressing feelings and releasing pain.” When they are trying to be very quiet about it, I often say, “It’s okay to cry out loud and allow yourself to make noise.”

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The Surprising Healing Power of the Loving Adult

lovingadult Discover why you cannot heal without a spiritually connected loving adult.
Our loving adult is who we are when our intent is to learn about loving ourselves and others, and we are connected with our spiritual guidance.

Before Inner Bonding, I practiced as a traditional psychotherapist, and I often wondered why true healing seldom occurred. By true healing, I mean that people left their work with me feeling a deep sense of self-worth and inner safety, with relatively little anxiety and depression, and they knew how to manage their pain and they understood how to create a loving relationship. I didn’t know how to accomplish all this for myself, so of course I couldn’t help others to do it. Yet I was doing all I had learned in school, all I had learned from books, all I had learned from my own extensive psychotherapy, and all I had learned from the many other ways I had sought healing.
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The Fear of Loving

depression-picture-id663870814 The Fear of Loving
Loving holds within it the greatest joy and the greatest pain in life. Yet, without it, life is empty.

Love. We all want it. We develop many ways of trying to get love and be loved. From the time we are infants, we do not thrive without it. When we don’t get it, we may turn to many addictions to fill the emptiness that occurs when we don’t feel loved. When we feel loved, we are on top of the world.
Yet many people have a fear of loving. Not a fear of being loved – a fear of loving. 

Why Would Someone Fear Loving?

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Attracting at Our Common Level of Woundedness

red-heartshaped-tree-in-the-field-against-the-background-of-a-decline-picture-id898937938 Attracting at Our Common Level of Woundedness
Are you attracting people who turn out to be very controlling or unavailable? Discover how you are attracting at your common level of woundedness.

I have often stated that we attract each other at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, and people often ask “What exactly does this mean?”

Our level of woundedness is the level at which we abandon ourselves, while our level of health is the level at which we are loving ourselves. In any given relationship, the way each partner abandons him or herself may be different, but how much they each abandon themselves within the primary relationship is similar.

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Why Is Nothing Changing or Healing?

shadow Why Is Nothing Changing or Healing?

Len contacted me for Inner Bonding facilitation while he was going through a divorce. He had discovered Inner Bonding through a Google search and realized that what he was struggling with was self-abandonment.

Len was diligent in having sessions with me and in reading everything he could about Inner Bonding. Within a couple of months, he could spout Inner Bonding with the best of them, and had even started to help various friends and relatives with Inner Bonding. He was keenly aware of the taker role his wife had adopted in their marriage, and completely understood the caretaking role and level of self-abandonment that had been his end of their codependent system.

But Nothing Changed…

However, nothing was actually changing is his relationships with others – because all this information was in his mind, but not in his experience. He was not actually practicing Inner Bonding. He believed that if he understood it, then somehow something would change.

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Accepting What You Can’t Control, Controlling What You Can

young-couple-having-disscusion-at-home-picture-id950156398 Accepting What You Can’t Control, Controlling What You Can
Coming to grips with what you can and can’t control opens the door to true emotional freedom and personal power.

I frequently receive questions about what to do in situations where someone is behaving in an unloving way, or a way that’s painful for them. For example:

  • My co-worker never answers emails, making it very hard for me to do my work, as I need his input.
  • My wife never wants to make love.
  • People often ask me intrusive questions that I don’t want to answer.
  • My husband is often late and never calls to let me know he is going to be late for dinner.
  • My friend got together with a bunch of our friends for lunch and didn’t invite me.
  • My parents are forever criticizing me.
  • I often feel invaded and demanded of by family and friends.
  • My husband sits at the table when we go out to dinner absorbed with his phone instead of talking with me.
  • My children are disrespectful toward me.
  • My wife has a male friend whom she talks with all the time and sometimes meets for lunch, even though I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with their relationship.
  • My wife often wants to talk about what I’m doing wrong.

Two Healthy Choices in Conflict

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5 Ways You Can Think You Are on a Spiritual Path, But Not Be

innerbonding 5 Ways You Can Think You Are on a Spiritual Path, But Not Be

"...The form our faith takes is less important than the love it imparts....The bedrock of spirituality is to learn about love."
--Judith Orloff, M.D. Second Sight, p. 166-167

The spiritual path is a path of love. There are many people who claim to be devoted to a spiritual path, yet love seems not to be a part of their path. What are they doing that they claim is spiritual if learning about loving themselves and others is not their highest priority?

  1. Some people attempt to use religion and prayer as a form of control - hoping to have control over getting what they want if they pray "right," or believe the "right" thing. Often, they are very judgmental toward others who don't believe as they do, which certainly has nothing to do with love.
     
  2. Some people use prayer and meditation as an addiction - a way to "bliss out" and avoid responsibility for their feelings.
     
  3. Some people believe that being "selfless" and just giving to others is the path of love, but without loving themselves and sharing their love from a full place within, they may have an agenda of getting others' love or approval - or getting God's love - attached to their selflessness.
     
  4. Some people get fascinated with things like learning to leave their bodies, or the power of crystals and precious stones, and forget that the important part of the spiritual path is about love.
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