It's easy to forget that we are all perfect in our own design. Sometimes we muck it up with habits and choices that do not serve us. 

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Confronting an Abusive Parent

sad-woman-sitting-thoughtfully-outside-picture-id609903542

A woman wrote, asking:

“I am trying to connect with my family of origin. I’ve been working on my recovery for a bit over a year (ACA & Coda steps). I’d like to have a healthy relationship, with boundaries, of course, with my untreated family. But I can’t seem to have a relationship with my mother yet as I’m still processing my feelings from her abuse. I also feel that I need to confront her (when ready) to let her know my truth instead of ‘pretending’ that things are fine between us. This has been a DIFFICULT journey for me that affected my life. Though I know my mother can’t give me what I would like, I wonder if confronting her eventually would help ME with my relationship with her. I know some people don’t agree with confronting. I’m torn about this. I want to eventually have forgiveness for my mother, but I’m not there yet.”

 

The question you need to ask yourself is, “What do I hope to gain by confronting my a abusive mother or father?”

Here are some possible answers:

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135 Hits

Learning to Trust in Relationships

In a Time of Social Distancing and Social Media, Trust Remains Key In a Time of Social Distancing and Social Media, Trust Remains Key

The pandemic has created new rules for dating, with more people relying on technology to start relationships. When it comes to finding love and maintaining strong bonds, however, one thing has not changed: the need to establish trust.

Whether it’s romantic, friendly, professional, or familial, trust is essential in any relationship. Yet it can be difficult to establish and maintain trust. Many people carry emotional baggage from painful experiences in the past that prevent them from trusting others. Signs of lack of trust may include:

  • You aren’t sure you matter to the other person.
  • You have nagging doubts that your spouse or partner really loves you.
  • When they seem distant, you imagine it must be because of you (even though it may have nothing to do with you).
  • You fear you’ll be dumped at any time.
  • You find yourself fixating on these feelings.


If you have a persistent fear of being left or dumped, this may undermine the foundations of any type of relationship. If you feel lack of trust is a big problem for you that requires counseling, please seek it out. But if you’re simply looking to strengthen a relationship and increase your ability to love and trust, here are some things you can try:

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Realize the Real Purpose of Relationship

Realize the Real Purpose of Relationship Realize the Real Purpose of Relationship

How many men or women do you know that when a fight has begun – or even in the middle of one – they suddenly see and agree that to blame the other person for the state that they are in is a lie? How long would a fight go on between any two human beings if one of those individuals awakened sufficiently enough to see that the pattern of fighting with another person to prove that I’m right is in fact the proof that I’m in the wrong?  

Our experience has shown us that the fighting continues because we are not learning from the relationship. Instead we are burning over what someone or other has implied that we are or that we are not doing and therefore we are at fault. We are never at fault in our relationships until at last the fighting becomes so egregious that we can’t hide the truth from ourselves anymore. And by the time we reach that point with other human beings, we have most often ruined whatever little love had brought us together in the first place.  

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How To Deal With Difficult Parents

all-you-need-is-familyand-beach-picture-id1186257627 How To Deal With Difficult Parents
"Your parents may not be perfect human beings, as they too are souls on this journey of life and are here to learn lessons like you.”

Relationships with parents can be challenging. Whether you have an amazing relationship or a difficult relationship with your parents, there are a few things to consider if you want to transform your relationship. In this episode, I’ll share some deep thoughts and possibly a different perspective that will help you live a life that is more joyful and meaningful for you and your relationship with your parents.

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Are You Making Someone Your Higher Power?

Are You Making Someone Your Higher Power? Are You Making Someone Your Higher Power?
Do you believe that in a good relationship, it is your partner’s job to make you feel loved and worthy?

Jerrod, in his late 30s, consulted with me because he was feeling frantic about his relationship. He and Leslie had fallen deeply in love just over a year ago, but now the relationship was falling apart.

Jerrod

“Leslie and I are very attracted to each other and really enjoy each other’s company. But something happens after we’ve been together over a weekend. We have a great time and then during the week I’m miserable for a few days. After a few days, I feel okay again, and then we get together and it starts all over. I don’t want our relationship to end, but I can’t stand what happens after we are together. Maybe we are not supposed to be together.”

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249 Hits

How To Heal The Fear Of Getting Hurt Again

heartbreak How To Heal The Fear Of Getting Hurt Again

Are you putting off opening to another relationship for fear of getting hurt again?

You’ve been hurt over and over in your relationships, and now you are hesitant to seek a relationship for fear of getting hurt again. You might be asking, as many of my clients do, “How do I overcome my fear of being hurt again in a relationship?”

It’s important to understand that there are two kinds of hurt.

  • The heartbreak that comes from someone being unloving – lying, betraying you, being angry or judgmental, suddenly ending a relationship, and so on.
  • The hurt feelings that come from what you are telling yourself and how you might be judging yourself. Are you telling yourself things like, “What did I do wrong?” “How could I have been so stupid as to believe him (or her)?”

Healing involves learning from and lovingly managing both kinds of hurt.

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307 Hits

The Power to Never Again Feel Powerless

The Power to Never Again Feel Powerless The Power to Never Again Feel Powerless

When expectations get dashed, we don't see new possibilities unfolding; all we see is the way things should have gone. We don't see what is with all of its positive possibilities; instead we see only the negative . . . what is not. We feel powerless because we've become the captive of a mind resisting itself, an involuntary prisoner of a mind struggling to escape its own negative images. There is nothing but powerlessness in this resistance because by law whatever we resist . . . persists! 



The only way to liberate ourselves from the confines of this unconscious relationship is to develop a new awareness of what it costs us to remain in its captivity. We must ask, what kind of "power" is it to resent any moment for unfolding as it does, to wish it didn't happen? Does it change the moment in any positive way? No, it does not. Does our pain prove that our position is right? To the contrary: the more we don't want the moment, the more we lend credibility to that moment as being overpowering. This false perception then strengthens our negative sense of self, as someone being overpowered by it. 

 

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526 Hits

Happy Money and LOVE

lovemoney Happy Money and LOVE

You may already know this…. the #1 source of conflict in marriages and the biggest cause of divorce is money.

Why?

According to my dear friend, Ken Honda, author of Happy Money: The Japanese Art of Making Peace with Your Money, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Ken is a bestselling author (over 7 million books sold around the world!) who has spent years helping the people of Japan heal their relationships with money and become more abundant and peaceful.

Why is money such a big issue in relationships?

According to Ken it’s as if you & your beloved grew up in different countries when it comes to how to handle money.

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551 Hits

Erase Fearful Feelings from Your Life

drowning-in-people-picture-id502088187 Erase Fearful Feelings from Your Life

Any seemingly scary condition in your life, whatever it may be, is not the real problem. It’s your reaction to it that has you shaking. Which is why, if you’ll become truly conscious of a fearful condition instead of afraid of it, you’ll change forever your relationship with fear.

Being conscious of your fear empowers you to interact with it in an entirely new way. This new inner relationship gives you the power to be awake to fear's scary influences, instead of being their unconscious slave. And as each day you discover something new about the shaky nature of your own fearful reactions, they lose their power over you. Why? You see them for what they have always been: unintelligent, mechanical forces.

To be consciously afraid means that you know you are frightened. You feel it, but at the same time you know that these very fears, as real as they may seem, are not you.

Fear is really nothing other than a self-limiting reaction that we’ve always mistaken for a shield of self-protection. It’s time to let it go, which you can do anytime you want. Here’s how: Dare to proceed, even while being afraid.

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972 Hits

What To Do If Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship

girls-kissing-a-boy-picture-id958547342 What To Do If Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship

“Real love gives freedom, and in freedom there is always choice. The choice to do or not to do.”

Some Questions I Ask:

  • What to do if you are in love with someone, but they want to have an open relationship?
  • Is acting out all of your desires really freedom? What is real freedom?
  • If you can’t have a relationship with one person, how are you going to have a relationship with 2 people?
  • How being spiritually evolved is monogamy?
  • What does loving unconditionally really mean?
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1187 Hits

What is the true meaning of a soul mate?

personal-perspective-of-couple-relaxing-on-hammock-feet-view-picture-id910783248 What is the true meaning of a soul mate?

Question: The problem seems to be that when you are in a relationship, in the beginning everything is happening, but when you marry that person it changes.

I’ve been in several relationships, major relationships, and been married and divorced twice and I’m searching for something special. Something I’ve been told has been called a soul mate. Do you believe in such a relationship or person and what would that mean? How would I know that?

Ram Dass: Got it! Keep looking! I’ll give you the farthest out answer first and then we’ll come back to something that everybody can handle. In the farthest out answer, we have all been around so many times that every one of us has been everything with everybody else. So when I look at you, you and I have been in so many relationships together. It’s just that we don’t remember.

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How To Overcome Fear of Commitment In Love

committment How To Overcome Fear of Commitment In Love

“Do you REALLY love her?” I asked.

“Yes, but I am afraid, I just don’t know if I can commit to her”.

How many times have you heard this, or said this to yourself?

Many of my friends have recently expressed to me that they are afraid of committing to a relationship.

Ponder this:

The real commitment is to Love itself.



When you commit to love itself, it’s then that you are truly free. All forms will change. Your lover will change. They won’t be the same person that they were when you met them. You will change. You will grow, mature and evolve.  The relationship itself will also change.

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7 Ways to Painlessly Discuss Finances – Part Two

Jan-desai-7-ways-to-painlessly-discuss-finances-part-two 7 Ways to Painlessly Discuss Finances – Part Two

In Part One of this article, I talked about some of the very real, and very serious, problems that I had when it came to talking about money in my own relationship. I also gave you the ground rules that my husband and I agreed to use so that we could talk start about money in a transparent, non-judgmental, and open environment.


Here in Part Two, I’d like to tell you about seven techniques that you can use in your own relationship to talk about money, financial goals, spending, and saving for that rainy day in a peaceful, loving, and productive way.

 

Action Step 1: Start with What’s Working

Start with an easy discussion about what is currently working in your financial life – individually and together. Strive to find the common ground. Most financial discussions come about when something isn’t working, and that turns into blaming and arguing. So start with something positive. Ask your partner what they feel is important financially. By gaining a better perspective on their values, you not only gain a more intimate understanding of who they are, but you can honor those values when you communicate. These may not be the same values that you have – it’s important to realize that that’s okay! So long as you are both heard, respected, and validated, acceptance doesn’t have to equal agreement, but it does help you approach the conversation with deeper compassion and unconditional love. The main objective here is re-learning how to communicate with your partner by realizing that you’re on the same team. This involves some letting-go of control and ego – and believe me, that’s always a good thing!


Action Step 2: Become an Assertive Communicator

Seek to become an assertive communicator. Share your thoughts and feelings respectfully, and listen to your partner with the same respect. As I’ve pointed out before, you don’t have to agree on everything. But you both need to feel heard and validated. It’s one of the best ways to build an intimate bond of trust.


And speaking of trust – a word here about lying about money and secret spending. If this is you, you already know it. And intuitively, you know that it needs to stop. You will relieve yourself of so much guilt if you reveal your secrets and simply move forward into a new mode of thinking and a new goal of acting financially responsible. And if you have a spending problem, an addiction to buying – please get help, my friend. It is a real disease, and you are not at fault.


Action Step 3: Foster Healthy, Positive Financial Communication

Money issues have to be solved if you’re going to have a happy and balanced relationship. Solving those issues means talking about them in detail, and letting go of ego and judgment while you’re in that space (and hopefully, in your entire relationship).


Action Step 4: Focus on Forward Progress

It can be very, very easy to feel defensive and attacked when we discuss spending and finances. Know that this comes more from inside you (internal guilt) than it does from outside of you (your other). Temper your reactivity, and at a separate time when you are alone, examine it to find its roots. That’s a subject for a different post!

7 Ways to Talk to About Money Painlessly Part Two

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1272 Hits

Mindfulness and Relationships

MindulMonday_-Relationships

Relationships can be approached from 2 directions; need or as two fulfilled people sharing life. In relationship there should be both support and space. Looking to another to fulfill you will never work because fulfillment is a personal, internal experience. Share life, but have a life, each your own. Relationship that smothers or binds another or covers another with expectations will suffocate the other in need. It becomes energetically stifling.


Relationships serve as one of the strongest vehicles to bring into awareness all that is hidden. At the same time it allows you to connect to your essential self and feel the love there and focus and share that love with another. Love is always an internal experience, even though another can inspire your inner connection and allow you to get in touch with your inner love.

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1277 Hits

How To Know When To End Your Relationship

How To Know When To End Your Relationship

Relationship is about growth.

We come together in relationship with another for our evolution and growth.

The people you attract are simply mirror manifestations in that moment in time that reflect who you are.

Relationship is really not about the duration that you stay with someone, but the degree to which you both grow, evolve, and become more authentically your true Self.

Staying in a relationship where you are both no longer growing simply because that is the thing to do based on societal standards, or because you made a commitment years ago, is not success.


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1255 Hits