It's easy to forget that we are all perfect in our own design. Sometimes we muck it up with habits and choices that do not serve us.
Don’t get me wrong, I love John Lennon and I love the Beatles, but their song “All You Need is Love,” a lovely sentiment to be sure, is also far from the truth.
The wild and wonderful state of “being in love” is natures greatest trick to get us to keep the species going, but it’s no predictor of a long term, happy, satisfying relationship.
We need more than just love to make love work.
I like to call being in love “the socially acceptable form of insanity.”
Feeling LONELY and feeling ALONE.
Any of you felt either of those?
The conversation that I wanted to have today is around the difference between being alone and being lonely.
Being alone means that you are solitary. You are by yourself. You are isolated, you are in a solitary space. There are no people around you.
Being lonely is a feeling of sadness or abandonment or disconnectedness.
Sometimes people use a word that does not really fit what they are trying to describe.
Alone is being by yourself.
Lonely is a feeling that you have.
You can be lonely and be at a big party. You can feel lonely when you are with somebody that you love. My point is that loneliness is the feeling and being alone is the physical-ness of being solitary.
However, you are never actually alone.
We all have angels and we all have guides that are always with us. So, we are never actually alone.
So, if you are struggling with loneliness, that is something that is a feeling versus when you are feeling alone.
And I just want to make sure you understand that distinction.
Another phrase for ‘squid’ is ‘energy vampire.’
“Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones but possess myriad sucking tentacles of emotional need.” —Martha Beck
When your intent is to get love, rather than to be loving to yourself and share your love with others, you are a ‘squid.’ When you are not in the moment-by-moment process of learning what is loving to yourself, and taking loving action for yourself, you are abandoning yourself and creating an empty hole within. This empty hole needs love, and you will try to get it from others in any way you can.
Others might not be fully conscious of the energy pull from you, but they will generally back off nevertheless – as your pull unconsciously feels yucky to them. Of course, you might find someone who is such a caretaker that they stay and let themselves be drained by you, but you need to know that people who allow themselves to be drained and used by you have strings attached to what they give. They have a huge expectation – expecting you to love them and fill their emptiness as well. Both of you will inevitably be very disappointed.
Just a few months ago, I was sitting at Kobe Bryant’s memorial service in LA listening to one speaker after the other talk about Bryant’s role as a “girl dad.” My eyes welled up with tears as I listened to them reflect on how his embrace of that moniker had affected how they viewed their own daughters and roles as fathers. In the weeks after the service, it seemed like everywhere I turned, men were proudly owning that title.
I couldn’t help but reflect on my father at that time. He, too, was a “girl dad,” but when I was growing up, being a “girl dad” wasn’t a thing.
I grew up as the only girl surrounded by brothers, and the message I often got was to be like a boy. Be as tough as a boy. Be as competitive as a boy. Be as athletic as a boy. Be as competent as a boy. The "in thing" was to be a "boy dad."
Even though I went to an all-girls school, dads weren’t applauded the way they are today for showing up and being present in their daughters’ lives. I say this not to bemoan or complain, but to celebrate this moment and to illustrate how much things can change in one person’s lifetime. I know we have a long way to go before parenting roles are equal, but I think it’s an awesome thing for men to be encouraged in their fathering—not just for their own kids, but for so many others in need of fathers as well.
Studies show dads who are present in their child’s life make a difference. Engaged fathers produce more confident daughters. Evolved, kind fathers show their sons a new way forward. Loving, nurturing, encouraging fathers show their daughters what manhood can look like, and what to expect in a man if she chooses to be with one.
Today, I am in awe when I see fathers pushing strollers, dancing with their daughters or doing their hair, standing with their sons while they cry and telling them it’s ok. I am moved when they proudly tell others that they took paternity leave or stand up and fight for it for others. I’m so happy that we have come to this place.
Covid 19 and the murder of George Floyd have changed our world forever.
Not just in North America but around the globe. Billions of people are experiencing these shared traumas. We literally are all in this together.
No one knows when (or if) it will be safe again to sit shoulder to shoulder at a Broadway play or a concert or attend sporting events that once had as many as 70,000 crazed fans cheering on their favorite football, baseball, hockey or soccer teams.
What we do know is that life goes on and we will find ways to adapt to a new normal.
For those of you who are single, and have been quarantined alone, wishing you had a soulmate, life partner, best friend, lover and safe place to land person to share it with, I have some good news: it’s never been easier to manifest your soulmate than right now.
If you are feeling the fear, the sadness, the pain, not knowing what to do, how to show up, what to say or not say … I hear you.
When I went within and asked Spirit to guide me … when I asked Love what it would say, this is what I received. This is my message to me … and I thought it might be of service to you too.
Ask yourself this question: “What Would LOVE Say/Do?”
Your parents may not be perfect human beings, as they too are souls on this journey of life and are here to learn lessons like you.
But what if you have the perfect parents for your soul’s growth and evolution in this lifetime?
Relationships with parents can be some of the most challenging and difficult to navigate.
Ask yourself: What are the lessons that your soul is seeking to learn with them?
They give birth to you, raise you, and impact so much of who you become.
They simply did the best that they knew how to do at that time of their lives, even though it may not have been what you wanted.
It’s highly unlikely they woke up each day thinking about how they could cause you the most suffering. Likely, they were in pain themselves.
Hurt people tend to hurt other people, and the cycle continues.
You can break the cycle and take your power back.
People often ask me how they can know whether or not someone they are dating is really an open and caring person.
“He seems open and caring, but how can I know? My last guy seemed really open until we started living together and then he was always angry. I don’t want that to happen again,” said Kiera in a phone session.
“Have you and your boyfriend had significant conflict yet?”
“No, we’ve only been dating for two months.”
“Two months is generally not long enough to know whether or not someone is open and caring. And you can’t really know until you have a conflict and you see how he responds. You need to know if he uses anger, withdrawal, resistance, arguing, explaining, defending, compliance and so on. And, if he does these protective things, how long does it last? Some people get immediately closed, but then in half an hour or so they open and are ready to learn and resolve. Others can stay closed for days, weeks or even longer. Of course, it’s ideal when someone is immediately able to stay open to learning in conflict, but most people haven’t done the inner work to be able to do this. However, if they open sooner rather than later, then things can be worked out. But if they want to sweep things under the rug and act like nothing happened, or stay distant until you apologize, this isn’t good news.”
Dating is an integral part of socialization for single adults of all ages. The sudden escalation and impact of coronavirus around the world have created a challenge for those who are just starting in a relationship or those who perhaps have finally made the decision to start dating again.
There are some very important issues to consider with the very real presence of the coronavirus. Experts in public health and epidemiology recommend social distancing is a key factor in not only preventing contact with the virus but also in limiting the spread of the virus throughout the population.
Social distancing is particularly crucial for those in high-risk groups or individuals living with or working with people in high-risk groups. The high-risk groups identified currently include those over 65 years of age, anyone living in a nursing home, people with chronic health issues, those immunocompromised from cancer treatments, organ transplants or other diseases, and those with pre-existing health issues related to lung disease, heart conditions, diabetes, or chronic types of illnesses.
Family members of these individuals or those who provide healthcare or daily care services for these groups need to be especially careful. The general public also has to be very aware of how their interactions with each other increase the risk of the high-risk groups being exposed to one or more people carrying the virus.
“To bring about change, you must not be afraid to take the first step. We will fail when we fail to try." – Rosa Parks
It was just a few short weeks ago that I wrote that I didn’t think we were going back to “normal.
At the time, it had dawned on me that the pandemic had uprooted us in ways big and small and that those yearning to go back to the way things used to be were in for a surprise. I had no idea how uprooted we were about to get.
This past week, millions watched as America’s streets and cities erupted across the nation. Huge peaceful protests called for an end to police brutality and for overdue systemic change. For a moment, the message seemed to get drowned out by images of violence and looting, which left people deeply shocked and shaken. Elected officials called in the National Guard and imposed mandatory curfews. Meanwhile, citizens in these cities stepped in to clean up the mess. More importantly, though, citizens stepped up to show us the opportunity and the importance of this historic moment.
When we moved to our home in Colorado 13 years ago, my wife Stephanie and I decided to plant a vegetable garden.
This season we’re growing arugula, cucumbers, peas, radishes, tomatoes, and mint.
“How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?”
—Jonathan Larson
Your mind can’t comprehend it, and your heart can’t absorb it: Sudden death—and the fear, pain, and anger that accompany it. Yet another African American man, George Floyd, murdered by a white police officer. Hundreds of thousands of lives cut short by a virulent worldwide virus. In the U.S. and internationally, thousands protest in the streets against years and years of racism, violence, and injustice. As COVID-19 circles the globe, people lose relatives and friends, their jobs and homes; immigrants are again targeted and blamed. Grief. Anger. Is this how life is going to be from now on? It is unless we make the conscious choice to change it. It is until we see our neighbors as ourselves.
Due to the pandemic, couples are finding they have more time together. Working from home, a lack of late-night meetings, a reduction in travel – all of these combined have meant more time to connect with our significant others. People who are intentional to use this time wisely are shutting off their television at night and working to create greater intimacy with their partner. Meaningful conversation, working together on projects around the house, making meals together, playing games, and having intimate romantic connection are all ways to use this time to benefit your relationship.
When children are involved there’s a secondary layer of stress added. Couples need to remember that this is a time of great stress, and that their (and their partner’s) reaction to everything is likely to be heightened.
It is not uncommon for relationships to struggle under the strain of the pandemic, the economy, general stress of life, knowing how and when to reengage in society safely, loss of jobs, homeschooling and more. However, I believe there are ways to keep relationships strong and healthy during these times. Rather than simply survive this crisis, I advise couples to use this as an opportunity to grow in deeper connection with each other.
I saw myself swimming in a river of deep blues and greens. The shape of the water reminded me of a swimming spot in my childhood. There was a sense of freedom and anticipation surrounding me. Every moment felt familiar.
I began to notice an energy that was coming from outside my vision. This new energy allowed a connection to memories of the previous life. Eternity began to swirl through my mind. The change brought a calm that surrounded me. While loosely observing my thoughts of creation, I felt a strong presence. My vision quietly revealed who was sharing this moment with me. We communicated without words.
I began to swim to the beautiful creature that was sharing such kindness and wisdom. I reached out and touched a giant terrapin. His shell looked like it was made of earth. The message to me was one of love and patience. I rested my forehead on his cheek. Through this touch, I was able to feel our entire world and so much more. I was shown how humanity is being guided deeper through the universe’s passage to eternal wisdom. I understood I had to wait and be patient. There will be many of us discovering our true connection. We will find each other, but first we must understand our personal power. Only then can we patiently have space for others.
I knew without a doubt that the ancient creature was a teacher for the whole of humanity. The message was clear. All animals, humans, and Mother Earth are connected through the energy that flows through our souls. We are all one, we are all equal.
The wise one encouraged me to trust my instincts and recognize that healing can occur even in darkness and confusion. Instinctively, I knew the turtle was returning to a place on earth that needed his wisdom and love. Higher power comes in all forms, males, females, rocks, plants, or animals.
Longing for love?
The Practice:
Hug the monkey.
Why?
To simplify a complex process spanning 600 million years, your brain developed in ways that are loosely related to three major stages of vertebrate evolution:
Since the brain is integrated, avoiding, approaching, and attaching are accomplished by its parts working together. Nonetheless, each of these functions is particularly served and shaped by the region of the brain that first evolved to handle it.
Anxiety...uncertainty... unease
When you experience these emotions, you are not in the high frequency state of peace.
Those feelings are indicators that you have unconscious programs – beliefs, ideas and stories – that need to be corrected.
Is there some aspect of your life that you’re not at peace with?
Have you ever wondered what’s preventing you from living in the high frequency of peace?
The core low frequency blocker to peace is unforgiveness.
Until you activate your soul’s superpower of forgiveness you have set yourself up for anxiety and a whole range of diseases and physical and mental challenges. A Harvard study showed that holding a grudge can kill you.
Before I tell you an extraordinary story, read this:
Love Letter from God
Love,
God
The other day, I went on one of my “walk and talks.” These are socially distant walks that I take in the late afternoon, either alone or with friends who also like to walk, talk, dream, ponder, and wonder about life.
I often walk with my friend Simon, an optimist and an astute student of leadership.
The other day, we were walking and talking about Simon’s online courses (you can learn more here and follow him on Instagram, too) and his upcoming podcast, when we came upon two other guys we both know. We stopped to chit chat, and just as we were about to leave, one of the guys said: “I’d like to ask you both a question. What are your three wishes for our country and the world right now? They don’t have to be achievable, but what are they?”
“Wow!” I thought to myself. I figured he was just going to ask which restaurants had good takeout service or something, but hey, okay. I knew I’d need a few minutes to think about how to answer.
Simon’s three wishes popped out immediately.
Join Panache Desai every morning and for support in reconnecting to the wellspring of calm and peace that lives within you and that has the power to counterbalance all of the fear, panic, and uncertainty that currently engulfs the world.
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