In a healthy, loving relationship, partners ask each other for what they need, and generally receive a caring response. But sometimes this can get tricky – depending on whether it is your loving adult asking, or your wounded self. This dilemma is expressed by Julie in the following question:

“How can I express to my partner that sometimes I need the time and attention he gives to other people without sounding jealous or selfish.”

While this might seem like a simple question, it has many subtle aspects to it.

Julie, the first question I would suggest you ask of yourself is, “Why do I need the time and attention that my partner gives other people?”

There is one essential ingredient missing in most of our relationships -- one that is definitely required if we wish to continue in our own development and help others to do the same. What is this powerful catalyst that only we can provide for each other? Room in which to grow.

We can help others reach higher by simply agreeing, consciously, to give them space to go through their changes even when these changes may challenge our sense of self and its well-being. As just one simple example of how to help in this way, we must each learn to keep ourselves quiet when the actions of someone close to us start to disturb us. Why is this new kind of self-silence so important for the growth of both parties involved? 

I can’t tell you how often I hear from my clients that “I should be further along in my healing process,” especially when it comes to relationships.

Sophia is struggling with this:

“I’m finding my new relationship extremely challenging. After three years of being single, I thought I’d be further along with self-esteem challenges, but no! I can so easily find myself feeling needy with my partner AND abandoning myself – behavior that feels frightening and shameful. Suggestions on how to soothe myself in the moment? I do EFT and Heartmath exercises that help, but am still really struggling. Thanks!”

Sophia may have done much inner work during the three years she was single, but being in a relationship triggers old fears of rejection that likely never got triggered in the three single years. You can do a ton of work on yourself – learning how to take loving care of yourself in many different ways, but taking care of yourself in a relationship is a whole other thing.

Today I wanted to share a wonderful message I came across in that vast storage receptacle we call the Internet 🙂 The author of the following is unknown, but the message is powerful, nonetheless. Check it out:

We don’t meet anyone by chance. We meet the souls we were always destined to meet … we may take a different route at times, but pathways that are destined to cross, will always end up crossing. There are 5 types of soul connections that we can encounter through this journey, each with purpose and meaning. Here are the 5 types of soul connections. See if you have encountered any, or all…

When you first fell in love with your partner, the future was bright. You dreamt of doing everything together and creating memories for decades. In the months or years since, life threw challenges at you that made you reassess your future.

If your relationship doesn’t seem to have a path forward or you don’t feel fulfilled, the next step will be difficult, but not impossible. Read about when to say enough is enough so you can face potential heartbreak and exchange it for more happiness.

1. Frustration Replaces Joy

Everything’s easier when relationships begin, so it’s normal for that bliss to fade when your new love becomes your new normal. Even when you’ve been with your partner for years, your relationship should still bring you joy. When things aren’t going right, frustration could become a daily occurence.

Frustration often comes from a communication breakdown. Think about how you connect with your partner and look for healthy communication characteristics, like curiosity about each other and strong teamwork skills. What you find could point out why you feel frustrated with your relationship and current place in life.

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020 was a very emotional day for many of us. The news, rallies and campaigning, had created high expectations of revolutionary paths to justice and freedom.  Many of us were excited for a new beginning, a fresh start… but… the uncertainty and wait began.  As the day continued my reaction to the perceived disrespect against women, minorities and various other groups, clouded my mind and stressed my body.  I reconnected with a deep Karmic relationship; an old wound, in need of debridement. It was here I struggled to find the peace that honors our connection to each other and God.

In the middle of the day, I received a call from a person of trust in my family’s life. The conversation stirred up uncertainty and anger. In a raised voice, the caller made some very harsh comments. I listened,  until I reacted.

The insane conversation created the perfect alchemy, for a lesson in karmic relationships centered around respect and trust.

What’s up with these people?

The Practice:
Give them what they want.

Why?

Research shows that relationships are built from interactions, and interactions are built from moments. A critical moment in an interaction is when one person wants something from the other one. (“Wants” include wishes, needs, desires, hopes, and longings.) The want could be simple and concrete, like “Please pass the salt.” Or it could be complex and intangible, such as “Please love me as a romantic partner.”

Wants can be communicated in many ways. Gaze, touch, tone, facial expression, posture, and action speak volumes. Whether verbally or nonverbally, some people express their wants clearly, but many do not. The more important a want is, the more likely it will leak out slowly, or be expressed with a lot of distracting add-ons and emotional topspin.

Now what?!

Think of a significant relationship. How clearly have you expressed your own wants in it? How do you feel when the other person makes a sincere effort to give you what you want?

The kind of control that actually blocks our ability to access spirit is when we try to control what we can’t control – such as others’ feelings and actions, and outcomes of events. We also block our access to spirit when we try to control our own feelings with our various forms of self-abandonment – staying in our heads, judging ourselves, turning to addictions, and making others responsible for our worth and safety. All these attempts to control lower our frequency and make it very hard to access our guidance. We cut ourselves off from the ongoing flow of love and truth when we lower our own frequency through our own unloving thoughts and actions.
I often hear from clients that they have a hard time connecting with their spiritual guidance, and they wonder why. They also get confused about when controlling creates a problem and when it doesn’t.

Love is quite simply the most precious possession in existence. And my mission is to share the best insights I know to bring more love into each of your lives.

Today I want to share the most powerful way to create MORE LOVE in your life NOW.

These beautiful insights come from my dear friend Ken Page’s life-changing book Deeper Dating: The Powerful Path To Authentic Love.

If you want more love in your life, try this life-changing exercise from Ken:

Think about all the people you know, from your nearest and dearest to people you may not have thought about for years. And just ask yourself these three questions:

• Who truly loves me?
• Who sees and treasures me for who I really am?
• Whom do I trust to have my best interests at heart?

Each of the people you picked is gold. They are your personal dream-team in life.

One of our greatest challenges in relationships is to not get triggered into self-abandonment when others are unloving – to stay connected with ourselves rather than getting triggered into our wounded self.

Lila asks:

“When I find myself in an unfriendly situation, I find it a challenge to take loving action towards myself. Even if I know the other person has a wound they are living out, I still become hurt and instead of tending to myself I demand an apology or cry or get angry. It’s difficult to search my mind for the loving action towards myself in the heat of the moment. How do I stay with myself in these moments?”

This is about becoming conscious of your intent and healing some underlying false beliefs. You demand an apology or cry or get angry because your intent is to control the other person rather than to be loving to yourself. You have not come to terms with your big false belief that you can control how others feel. And you have not defined your own worth through your spiritual connection. You are handing to the other person the responsibility of making you okay – they have to apologize in order for you to be okay.

Deep spiritual work reveals the truth that hellish things on earth manifest as they do because their dark cause dwells hidden somewhere in us. We are about to look into this interior abyss and shine into its unseen corners a beautiful light of understanding. We will illuminate the center of the earth where dark forces are always celebrating some victory over unconscious human beings.  

Imagine the chief devil calling together every possible evil entity that is in range of his magnetic voice and saying, "How can we interfere up there? What can we do to further deceive human beings? We must keep them in the dark so they can't see the Light that wants to rescue them. I want something so evil, so sinister, that no one will know what happened. Who's got it?"  And the flames of all the little imps dim a little bit because they're afraid; but two days later, they all come back with a few ideas, although nothing spectacular. Then one tiny imp hops on the shoulder of the devil and whispers something in his ear. Great flames shoot out of the devil and sear the little imp who cries out "Thank you!" Then the devil exclaims, "Ah! I have the plan in hand!"  He looks around at all of his lieutenants, each of whom is assigned to certain individuals on earth, and gleefully instructs them: "I want you to go up there and spread the idea of tolerance.' Go tell the stupid human beings up there that they should start teaching the idea that the tolerance of others is the same as the love of them. Oh yes! This is my best deception yet! It's a real killer!" 

In my line of work the topic of “what if” comes up often in regards to past loves and the possibility of what could have been.

In this instance a person will glorify the positive attributes of a person they were with in the past. They also soften some of the elements that created the downfall in the relationship.

I can even relate to having instances of wondering what could have been with people I’ve never had encounters with.

I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened to me if I had dated the nice guys in high school. I guess we’ll never know.

The sad part about this is that either situation leaves a person to feel as if they could’ve change things or done something different. That that could have saved those relationships. And In essence they would be happier today if they had done those things.

It can be so hard when you see someone you love and care for stuck in patterns that aren’t working or are not healthy.

From the outside, it’s easy to clearly see what they are doing wrong or need to change. It can be even more frustrating especially if they are someone you are very close to like a family member.

Realize this: You don’t have the power to make another person change. People don’t change unless they really want to change. You only have the power to share your perspective, wisdom, and invite them to consider a different way of doing things.

When someone changes simply to make you happy, rest assured, it doesn’t last.

When I reflect on my path to this moment in time, I understand without a doubt that it was no accident. 

In the late 1990s, outside of mystical circles, there was little awareness of “Oneness” or the notion of “living into the Unity of all of Life,” and I felt certain this was a root cause of the challenges our world was facing. 

I believed then (and still do) that there can be no true wholeness, health and well-being in the world as long as there are so many people who feel separate from others and from the Earth itself.

Even though these things were clear to me at that time, I wasn’t yet sure how to best address them in a meaningful way.

In 1999, I was sitting in my office in Silicon Valley, wondering what role I might be able to play in creating a U-turn into a more conscious world. 

I’d co-founded a company called Netigy, and at that time, Netigy occupied a 45,000 square-foot building and had leased another 90,000 square-foot building next door to support our future growth… 

And while I was definitely tasting the American Dream, it was already clear to me that this was not what my life was to be about.  

I had just finished a music performance at a preschool in Minneapolis. The children were playing on the playground while I was loading my car. Lucy who is barely three was standing by the chain link fence with her hand reaching out to me. As I walked over to her, she gently said, “Here, this is for you.” “You can take it home.”

What else could I say except “Thank You!” Doing my best to echo the sweet sincerity that the tiny white pebble from the playground was given.

The object had no intrinsic value, but the gift was priceless.
Kings cannot possess riches as precious as the generosity of Lucy’s pebble.

It is very common for people to latch onto specific labels and diagnosis and attempt to determine what is “wrong” with someone in their life. Narcissism is one such label and diagnosis that is used by people to describe people who may show signs of being selfish, uncaring, or lacking in empathy, compassion, and understanding of others.

Around the world, the number of individuals with true narcissism, or more correctly those with narcissistic personality disorder, is less than one percent of the population. The chances of most people interacting with a true narcissist are very low, and everyone’s ex-spouse is certainly not a narcissist.

However, many mental health experts propose that there is a spectrum or a range of behaviors or traits individuals may use throughout their life that are associated with narcissism. How frequently these traits crop up, when they occur, and if the individual continues to use the behavior is critical in making a diagnosis.

The Narcissist in Us All 

It’s hard to believe we’re now in our sixth month of quarantine life. Just the notion of this is getting us more antsy and anxious. The new school year has begun and our worries are compounding, whether it’s centered around the safety of our teachers and students heading back into the classrooms or how much longer we have to wait before some normalcy comes back into our lives.

But while your outside world is full of uncertainty, there is one resource you can always rely on, one constant force that will throw you a lifeline and keep you afloat during these chaotic times—your Soul!

Your soul is always connected to a Higher Source. (When I talk about “Source” I mean God, the Universe, or a Higher Consciousness – call it what you will.) This is the power that will move you beyond feeling trapped, constrained, unfulfilled or alone.

I know that many of you are concerned about what’s going on right now in the world and in your own life. Whatever it may be: fear, uncertainty, injustice, intolerance, financial worry, relationship troubles, or health concerns. Maybe you’re feeling like you don’t belong anywhere or you’re losing hope. Maybe you want some answers to the many questions filling your head: What can I do? Why am I here? How do I get out of this mess? It’s important at times like these to remain connected to your soul. When you are connected to your soul – you are linked to a higher power.

Boundaries are similar to the rules that govern how a person interacts with the world around them. People with no boundaries do not follow typical relationship rules when interacting with people in their personal and professional lives. They may overshare personal information or not share anything, or they may constantly take advantage of others or feel very isolated and separated from others.

Relationships also have boundaries or limits. In a healthy relationship, the couple establishes their boundaries with a sense of mutual concern for each other’s emotional, mental, and physical health. When boundaries are lacking in a relationship, often due to issues such as addictions, mental health issues, abuse, or other factors, there is no balance. One person dominates the relationship while the other person feels pressured to give in.

The pandemic has created new rules for dating, with more people relying on technology to start relationships. When it comes to finding love and maintaining strong bonds, however, one thing has not changed: the need to establish trust.

Whether it’s romantic, friendly, professional, or familial, trust is essential in any relationship. Yet it can be difficult to establish and maintain trust. Many people carry emotional baggage from painful experiences in the past that prevent them from trusting others. Signs of lack of trust may include:

• You aren’t sure you matter to the other person.

• You have nagging doubts that your spouse or partner really loves you.

• When they seem distant, you imagine it must be because of you (even though it may have nothing to do with you).

• You fear you’ll be dumped at any time.

• You find yourself fixating on these feelings.

If you have a persistent fear of being left or dumped, this may undermine the foundations of any type of relationship. If you feel lack of trust is a big problem for you that requires counseling, please seek it out. But if you’re simply looking to strengthen a relationship and increase your ability to love and trust, here are some things you can try: