In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to "work out problems." Yet frequently they come up against a major roadblock: they just don't see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling heard and understood.
Are some things getting better?
The Practice:
See progress.
Why?
There are always things that are getting worse. For example, over the past year, you probably know someone who has become unemployed or ill or both, and there’s more carbon in the atmosphere inexorably heating up the planet.
Whatever you are going through right now, know that you are always the one in full control of your life. The law of attraction is true to its meaning: all thoughts turn into things, eventually. Like attracts like, so to speak. In other words, the energy from our thoughts, be it positive or negative, attracts experiences of the same energy to come into our lives or manifest. This kind of mindset is imperative especially when confronted with the underlying challenges in your life. Acknowledging your emotions, especially any feelings of guilt, shame, hopelessness, insolvency, and gaslighting is the first step towards rebuilding one’s sense of acceptance and self-love.
Self-love is something many people do not consider because we tend to put the needs of others first before ourselves. However, it becomes important for you to care for yourself first, otherwise, you may not be able to care for others.
Stephen King once wrote, “The most important things are the hardest things to say.” He also observed that expressing big thoughts and feelings brings them down to size instead of the monsters they often seem when you keep them in your head.
We have all been brought up to believe that different externals are responsible for our happiness and safety. I was raised to believe that happiness and safety came from being in a relationship, from having good things happen, and from having control over the good things happening. My parents were not into things like houses, cars, or toys, so I never learned to connect my happiness with things. But lots of people do.
For example, Allen connects his happiness to people, things, and outcomes. As a result, he is constantly pulling on others for attention and approval. He is addicted to buying things and his garage is cluttered with his toys. And he can't be happy until he "finds the perfect job," and "makes more money." Because he connects his happiness and safety to all these externals, he is always trying to have control over getting what he wants. Trying to have control keeps him from being in the moment, which is where real happiness and safety exists.
Most of us lead very busy lives and it is easy to become overwhelmed with all we need to do. In addition, about 15% to 20% of us are born with highly sensitive nervous systems that are far more reactive to having a lot to do than the general population. Since I have a very highly sensitive nervous system, I understand how easily some of us can become overwhelmed by the demands of life. I have learned some powerful tools for managing overwhelm that I will share with you as I answer the following questions about overwhelm.
One of the great failures in science is still haunting us, the failure to discover why living things are alive. One of the most promising theories was known as vitalism, which held that some undiscovered “life force” or “spark of life” is what separates living things like trees, cats, and amoebas from non-living things like rocks, water, and salt. Vitalism was once so promising that the Nobel Prize was given to a champion of vitalism, the French philosopher Henri Bergson, in 1927. But significantly, the prize was in literature, since no one, however enamored of vitalism, could provide scientific evidence for any kind of life force.
The tables were decisively turned to the opposite of vitalism, known as functionalism, which breaks life down into processes like metabolism, growth, reproduction, adaptation, evolution and extinction.. That’s where we find ourselves today, which poses a huge problem. Vitalism and functionalism are opposites, which implies that in the game of either/or, if one is false, the other must be true. But unfortunately, functionalism doesn’t explain life, either. It explains how life behaves, which isn’t the same thing.
Mother Teresa said, “We cannot do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” In my experience, the smallest things require the greatest love. The smallest things we do are the intimate and personal choices we make each moment before we act. These choices are always between the intention of love and the intention of fear – between gratitude, caring, and patience, among others, and anger, jealousy, righteousness, among others.
These choices appear to us as as the smallest of small things, as interior experiences that we alone can enter and alter. Yet with our choices of love or fear we create the consequences of our lives and the contributions we make to the world. These choices are the origins of all things, great and small, they alone animate the one who chooses. You are the one who chooses.
Vent, Reflect, Think Positive, & Resolve for Your Emotional Health
Getting cut off in traffic. Receiving that raging email. None of us like to have things like that happen. But when they do, how do you handle it? Do you smile and hope it all just goes away? While it might blow over sometimes, other times that’s just not enough.
When you are in a highly charged emotional state, you have to express your feelings. Otherwise they will soak into your energy system, causing more problems later and making it tougher to get them out. It’s kind of like spilling red wine on the couch. You better get it up right away or it is most likely never coming out!
Becoming more conscious will make you more successful in every area of life. that’s the theme I proposed in the first post of this series. This is an area that is vastly neglected by most people. They approach life on a day-to-day basis doing three things: 1. Following a set routine 2. Coping with challenges as they come up and 3. fulfilling short-term desire.
These three things fill everyone’s day is roughly the order listed. Routine dominates. Even the thoughts we have today are generally the same thoughts we had yesterday. Next come the everyday obligations and duties of life, punctuated by challenges, big or small. Last comes desire, which usually means eating when you’re hungry, looking for a little bonding with someone else, whether as love, companionship, or sex, and distracting yourself in order to wind down.
Writing my most recent book Healing Trauma with Yoga forced me to get stuck and unstuck. A project that has not only consumed a lot of time, but obviously forced me to deal with a lot of my own issues around my own personal life experience and trauma. We all have ways that we distract ourselves, some healthier than others. Even with awareness, we can still participate in unhealthy behaviors. Here are some of the things I do to get unstuck that might also help you.
A long walk with my dog or a trip to the dog park to just enjoy dog joy. There is an unbridled joy that animals bring. They exist in the now, don’t get distracted by social media, and are very present and alert. The act of caring for a pet that gives unconditional love will bring immense joy (especially if you rescued the animal). I love walking with Bentley and taking him to play as it forces me to be present.
Lately, I’ve been watching different people to observe kind of the process of what they do to connect, and how they post and all that kind of stuff … and one of the things that I have noticed is that a lot of them – not all of them, but lots of them – they always have like perfect skin … not a mark on their face … no age spots or wrinkles. I’m not complaining … I’m just saying: not everybody could have perfect skin. I know this sounds crazy. I know a lot of people use filters … I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. But it was new to me.
So that got me to looking at things through a different lens. And what I was noticing was how many images were out there with filters. Hmmmm … we put so many masks up in our daily lives … and in social media, a lot of people say our lives are shared in its “Facebook version” – all the things that are great that are happening out here. And then there are all the shitty things that happen in some aspects of the rest of our world, and we don’t share those.
I’ve never been one to feel that way. I feel like whatever’s happening is happening. And I want to share with you where I’m at, what’s happening, whether it’s good, bad, or otherwise. I also have a Mastermind group- a beautiful group of women that are really learning and working on vulnerability and authenticity and showing up. So, it kinda shocks me that there are so many people that go to social media and look at or listen to accounts of people that really aren’t being authentic, but then compare themselves to it. They compare themselves to the people that are using all these filters and making everything look like it’s perfect when it really just isn’t perfect … and then they are feeling bad about themselves and the buttons that it pushes and the triggers that that brings up.
Whether you call it your spiritual life, your inner journey, or a search for a higher power, there is a necessary process, known as waking up. It consists of no longer being unaware. By growing more conscious, you give up many things you once took for granted. You recognize that they were illusions, unproven assumptions, and second-hand opinions.
You can take a major step toward waking up right this minute. All you need to do is answer one questions: Who are you? This question is about your identity, which everyone takes for granted –so much so, in fact, that we lose ourselves in an illusion without ever realizing it.
Let’s start without any assumptions. Drop your assumption that you already know who you are, because what people really know is not who they really are but their story. Your story consists of everything you have amassed in the past through experience, belief, successes and failures, likes and dislikes. When you identify with these things, you mistake a dead relic of the past for who you really are. Your story might be good or bad, something to be proud of or not, filled with experiences you want to hold on to and others you would rather forget. None of this really matters when you want to know who you really are. You are more than your story.
In my work with my clients, I’ve often wondered why some people jump right into Inner Bonding and take off with it, while others seem to keep getting stuck. Perhaps harboring a shameful secret is one of the reasons.
In order to move forward with Inner Bonding and in our lives, we need to be accepting of ourselves, but it might be very hard to accept yourself if you have done something, or if you feel things, that are generally judged to be wrong or bad, or that you believe are wrong or bad. One of the things I’ve seen occur in my Intensives is that the environment is so safe and accepting that a participant might feel safe enough to finally reveal the secret. Once the secret is out, there is much more space for self-acceptance.
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.”
—Dale Carnegie, 1888-1955
Right now, take a breath and go inside. Is there something you are waiting for, to be happy? Are you putting off living until something magical happens? How often have you heard yourself say, “I’ll play, or create, or rest, or spend time with loved ones or take that vacation – when everything gets done.” Does everything ever get done?
Early one morning, as I was driving to the airport on my way to New York for an Intensive, a spectacular sunrise took my breath away. “How fortunate am I,” I thought, “that I get to drive to the airport basking in this incredible display of God’s art. How fortunate am I that I get to breathe in the fresh crisp air of fall.” It was one of those moments that filled my heart and soul with peace and joy and gratitude.
What are you saying?
The Practice:
Speak wisely.
Why?
“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Ah, not really.
Often it’s words – and the tone that comes with them – that actually do the most damage. Just think back on some of the things that have been said to you over the years – especially those said with criticism, derision, shaming, anger, rejection, or scorn – and the impacts they’ve had on your feelings, hopes and ambitions, and sense of yourself.
Words can hurt since the emotional pain networks in your brain overlap with physical pain networks. (The effects of this intertwining go both ways. For example, studies have shown that receiving social support reduces the perceived intensity of physical pain, and – remarkably – that giving people Tylenol reduced the unpleasantness of social rejection.)
Besides their momentary effects, these hurts can linger – even for a lifetime. The residues of hurtful words sift down into emotional memory to cast long shadows over the inner landscape of your mind.
