It Will Take All Of Us

Before anyone can achieve sobriety, clarity has to happen. Before anyone can begin their path of recovery, one must stand up and admit to themselves and others that they have a problem. Well, America, we have a problem, and it will take all of us to admit this truth. And, it will take all of us to work together to fix it. It really will.

Imagine if we woke up tomorrow morning and committed ourselves to the recovery of our nation. Imagine if we admitted we were part of the problem. We can’t sit here and say “it’s them and not me.” We can’t hold someone else accountable and not look in the mirror ourselves. What if we each decided to honor the struggle and the hard work that has to happen on the road to healing? What if we each did our part?

Last week, I had a tough conversation about gun reform with someone I love. Midway through the conversation, I could feel myself getting triggered. I could feel the heat rising within me. I knew the trauma of my childhood was being activated in my body. I knew the conversation was about to go south. So, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a lesson from therapy. I tapped my heart with each of my hands, took a few deep breaths, and said, “I’m being triggered by what you are saying, but let’s stay in this conversation. I want to find a way to give you something, and I want you to give me something too. I want to seek compromise.”

Luckily for both of us, we found our way forward. We found our way to some common ground. Later that night, I got a message from the person. They said they wanted to honor my emotions and check in to make sure that we didn’t allow these types of conversations to pull us apart. Their words deeply touched me.

It was one of those moments when I knew that had I not been to therapy—had I not understood my own triggers and my own trauma—I would never have been able to continue that conversation in a collected way. And, had the other person not been sensitive, aware, and compassionate themselves, all hell would have broken loose. We would have gotten nowhere. We might even have done irreparable damage to our relationship.

At that moment, I felt lucky. It made me realize, once again, how beneficial it is to be able to struggle through to the other side with someone who also wants to get to the other side. I compromised, and they compromised. I learned, and I think that person did too. I share this story because I want to honor the work it takes to get to common ground and healing, and the work it takes to sober up and admit what we all need to do. We all need to take a page from AA and admit that we have fallen short. Then we can start moving forward, one day at a time—myself included.

I believe we all need to see this kind of hard work, struggle, and compromise as honorable work. It’s not the work of the weak. It’s not about who is the winner or who is the loser. It’s impossible to move forward—be it in a relationship or in a country—if the so-called “other side” doesn’t want to work with you. It’s impossible to get anywhere together if one person just wants to vanish, ghost you, or destroy everything about you. No one can salvage what’s worth salvaging if both sides don’t bend, breathe, and continue to stay at the table.

We cannot afford at this point in our country to dig into our corners and throw darts at the other side. We cannot afford to plug our ears and turn our backs to the reality of what is unfolding in front of us in real time. The testimonies this week—be it those from gun violence victims or the January 6 committee—revealed a truth about where we are as a nation. They exposed who we are as a nation right now. We cannot refuse to see that we all are part of the problem, and that we all must roll up our sleeves to fix what's broken.

Whenever I’ve admitted a hard truth or been willing to work through something in my own life, it’s always been a positive experience. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s always paid off. When both people can feel they got something, both sides win. Everyone wins when no one cares who the “winner” is.

Right now, our country is losing its heart. It is losing its magnificence and its glory. It can be reclaimed, though. It can be saved. But only if we each admit that we are both the problem and the solution.

This is a moment, a defining one, for all of us. I hope you can take a deep breath and commit to doing all you can in your own way to get to a better place.

Love,

Dear God, give me the space to pause and reflect. Allow me the strength to find out who I am and who I want to be. Help me to make way for healing for myself, for others, and for this nation. Amen.