(This message is dedicated to all of us who long for more meaningful relationships, even with people who mean the most...)

My father is no longer alive. But when he was alive, I always had the fantasy that I would have an intimate conversation with him. It would be a bit like the Brady Bunch dad, cut with some Gandhi, Tony Robbins, and my favorite therapist. He’d ask me, “How would you describe the meaning of life? ” Or “How can I support your essence most?” But, instead, my father, a practical and private man asked, “So, what’s the population of Denver?” I’d cave with disappointment and shrug my shoulders as an answer and a rebuke.      

“Delta flies over here at least twice a day,” my father said, as though this was a clue to all existence. We sat together on the front porch of our house in Brooklyn, way before Brooklyn was cool. I flew 2,000 miles to be back home, and not on Delta, to see my parents, and this is what he wants to share with me. Flight patterns of major airlines. I am already telling the story to all my friends in my mind. I am drowning at this point in my life and crave support. But that’s not what’s for dinner here.   

Many times the very thing we want from those we are with—for example, respect, patience, or a just little tenderness—is the very thing that we ourselves either lack at the moment or otherwise somehow are withholding from them.

The “catch” here is that we are mostly clueless about our own actual impoverished condition in these moments because—quietly tucked away in the depths of us are certain clever “self-concealing devices.” The continuing presence of these unconscious parts of us ensures we never realize that it is we who run in debt because of how quickly they point out the inadequacies of those they judge. Each time our attention is successfully diverted in this way, here’s what unfolds: not only are we kept from coming awake to ourselves, but in this engineered spiritual sleep we are rendered unable to realize that the very quality we judge as missing in the person before us is actually lacking in ourselves!

In a healthy, loving relationship, partners ask each other for what they need, and generally receive a caring response. But sometimes this can get tricky – depending on whether it is your loving adult asking, or your wounded self. This dilemma is expressed by Julie in the following question:

“How can I express to my partner that sometimes I need the time and attention he gives to other people without sounding jealous or selfish.”

While this might seem like a simple question, it has many subtle aspects to it.

Julie, the first question I would suggest you ask of yourself is, “Why do I need the time and attention that my partner gives other people?”

There is one essential ingredient missing in most of our relationships -- one that is definitely required if we wish to continue in our own development and help others to do the same. What is this powerful catalyst that only we can provide for each other? Room in which to grow.

We can help others reach higher by simply agreeing, consciously, to give them space to go through their changes even when these changes may challenge our sense of self and its well-being. As just one simple example of how to help in this way, we must each learn to keep ourselves quiet when the actions of someone close to us start to disturb us. Why is this new kind of self-silence so important for the growth of both parties involved? 

I can’t tell you how often I hear from my clients that “I should be further along in my healing process,” especially when it comes to relationships.

Sophia is struggling with this:

“I’m finding my new relationship extremely challenging. After three years of being single, I thought I’d be further along with self-esteem challenges, but no! I can so easily find myself feeling needy with my partner AND abandoning myself – behavior that feels frightening and shameful. Suggestions on how to soothe myself in the moment? I do EFT and Heartmath exercises that help, but am still really struggling. Thanks!”

Sophia may have done much inner work during the three years she was single, but being in a relationship triggers old fears of rejection that likely never got triggered in the three single years. You can do a ton of work on yourself – learning how to take loving care of yourself in many different ways, but taking care of yourself in a relationship is a whole other thing.

Today I wanted to share a wonderful message I came across in that vast storage receptacle we call the Internet ? The author of the following is unknown, but the message is powerful, nonetheless. Check it out:

We don’t meet anyone by chance. We meet the souls we were always destined to meet … we may take a different route at times, but pathways that are destined to cross, will always end up crossing. There are 5 types of soul connections that we can encounter through this journey, each with purpose and meaning. Here are the 5 types of soul connections. See if you have encountered any, or all…

When you first fell in love with your partner, the future was bright. You dreamt of doing everything together and creating memories for decades. In the months or years since, life threw challenges at you that made you reassess your future.

If your relationship doesn’t seem to have a path forward or you don’t feel fulfilled, the next step will be difficult, but not impossible. Read about when to say enough is enough so you can face potential heartbreak and exchange it for more happiness.

1. Frustration Replaces Joy

Everything’s easier when relationships begin, so it’s normal for that bliss to fade when your new love becomes your new normal. Even when you’ve been with your partner for years, your relationship should still bring you joy. When things aren’t going right, frustration could become a daily occurence.

Frustration often comes from a communication breakdown. Think about how you connect with your partner and look for healthy communication characteristics, like curiosity about each other and strong teamwork skills. What you find could point out why you feel frustrated with your relationship and current place in life.

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020 was a very emotional day for many of us. The news, rallies and campaigning, had created high expectations of revolutionary paths to justice and freedom.  Many of us were excited for a new beginning, a fresh start… but… the uncertainty and wait began.  As the day continued my reaction to the perceived disrespect against women, minorities and various other groups, clouded my mind and stressed my body.  I reconnected with a deep Karmic relationship; an old wound, in need of debridement. It was here I struggled to find the peace that honors our connection to each other and God.

In the middle of the day, I received a call from a person of trust in my family’s life. The conversation stirred up uncertainty and anger. In a raised voice, the caller made some very harsh comments. I listened,  until I reacted.

The insane conversation created the perfect alchemy, for a lesson in karmic relationships centered around respect and trust.

What’s up with these people?

The Practice:
Give them what they want.

Why?

Research shows that relationships are built from interactions, and interactions are built from moments. A critical moment in an interaction is when one person wants something from the other one. (“Wants” include wishes, needs, desires, hopes, and longings.) The want could be simple and concrete, like “Please pass the salt.” Or it could be complex and intangible, such as “Please love me as a romantic partner.”

Wants can be communicated in many ways. Gaze, touch, tone, facial expression, posture, and action speak volumes. Whether verbally or nonverbally, some people express their wants clearly, but many do not. The more important a want is, the more likely it will leak out slowly, or be expressed with a lot of distracting add-ons and emotional topspin.

Now what?!

Think of a significant relationship. How clearly have you expressed your own wants in it? How do you feel when the other person makes a sincere effort to give you what you want?

The kind of control that actually blocks our ability to access spirit is when we try to control what we can’t control – such as others’ feelings and actions, and outcomes of events. We also block our access to spirit when we try to control our own feelings with our various forms of self-abandonment – staying in our heads, judging ourselves, turning to addictions, and making others responsible for our worth and safety. All these attempts to control lower our frequency and make it very hard to access our guidance. We cut ourselves off from the ongoing flow of love and truth when we lower our own frequency through our own unloving thoughts and actions.
I often hear from clients that they have a hard time connecting with their spiritual guidance, and they wonder why. They also get confused about when controlling creates a problem and when it doesn’t.

Love is quite simply the most precious possession in existence. And my mission is to share the best insights I know to bring more love into each of your lives.

Today I want to share the most powerful way to create MORE LOVE in your life NOW.

These beautiful insights come from my dear friend Ken Page’s life-changing book Deeper Dating: The Powerful Path To Authentic Love.

If you want more love in your life, try this life-changing exercise from Ken:

Think about all the people you know, from your nearest and dearest to people you may not have thought about for years. And just ask yourself these three questions:

• Who truly loves me?
• Who sees and treasures me for who I really am?
• Whom do I trust to have my best interests at heart?

Each of the people you picked is gold. They are your personal dream-team in life.

One of our greatest challenges in relationships is to not get triggered into self-abandonment when others are unloving – to stay connected with ourselves rather than getting triggered into our wounded self.

Lila asks:

“When I find myself in an unfriendly situation, I find it a challenge to take loving action towards myself. Even if I know the other person has a wound they are living out, I still become hurt and instead of tending to myself I demand an apology or cry or get angry. It’s difficult to search my mind for the loving action towards myself in the heat of the moment. How do I stay with myself in these moments?”

This is about becoming conscious of your intent and healing some underlying false beliefs. You demand an apology or cry or get angry because your intent is to control the other person rather than to be loving to yourself. You have not come to terms with your big false belief that you can control how others feel. And you have not defined your own worth through your spiritual connection. You are handing to the other person the responsibility of making you okay – they have to apologize in order for you to be okay.

Deep spiritual work reveals the truth that hellish things on earth manifest as they do because their dark cause dwells hidden somewhere in us. We are about to look into this interior abyss and shine into its unseen corners a beautiful light of understanding. We will illuminate the center of the earth where dark forces are always celebrating some victory over unconscious human beings.  

Imagine the chief devil calling together every possible evil entity that is in range of his magnetic voice and saying, "How can we interfere up there? What can we do to further deceive human beings? We must keep them in the dark so they can't see the Light that wants to rescue them. I want something so evil, so sinister, that no one will know what happened. Who's got it?"  And the flames of all the little imps dim a little bit because they're afraid; but two days later, they all come back with a few ideas, although nothing spectacular. Then one tiny imp hops on the shoulder of the devil and whispers something in his ear. Great flames shoot out of the devil and sear the little imp who cries out "Thank you!" Then the devil exclaims, "Ah! I have the plan in hand!"  He looks around at all of his lieutenants, each of whom is assigned to certain individuals on earth, and gleefully instructs them: "I want you to go up there and spread the idea of tolerance.' Go tell the stupid human beings up there that they should start teaching the idea that the tolerance of others is the same as the love of them. Oh yes! This is my best deception yet! It's a real killer!" 

In my line of work the topic of “what if” comes up often in regards to past loves and the possibility of what could have been.

In this instance a person will glorify the positive attributes of a person they were with in the past. They also soften some of the elements that created the downfall in the relationship.

I can even relate to having instances of wondering what could have been with people I’ve never had encounters with.

I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened to me if I had dated the nice guys in high school. I guess we’ll never know.

The sad part about this is that either situation leaves a person to feel as if they could’ve change things or done something different. That that could have saved those relationships. And In essence they would be happier today if they had done those things.

It can be so hard when you see someone you love and care for stuck in patterns that aren’t working or are not healthy.

From the outside, it’s easy to clearly see what they are doing wrong or need to change. It can be even more frustrating especially if they are someone you are very close to like a family member.

Realize this: You don’t have the power to make another person change. People don’t change unless they really want to change. You only have the power to share your perspective, wisdom, and invite them to consider a different way of doing things.

When someone changes simply to make you happy, rest assured, it doesn’t last.