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This past weekend I led The Shadow Process Workshop in Miami. In this workshop, as in so many of our other programs and workshops, there were people who were in pain because they:
Could not decide on the direction of their marriage
Were still struggling with hurt they’ve carried since childhood as a result of a critical, cruel, or absent parent
Were still carrying around the betrayal of a love that didn’t last
These people, our amazing workshop participants, were a mirror of the hurt that most of us are carrying around in our hearts as a result of some unhealed or unresolved relationships.
Although many people come into our lives with the best of intentions, whether through birth or happenstance, many relationships feel like they go from sacred to sour.
The fact is that every relationship is a sacred relationship -- especially our closest relationships. Think of what an honor it is to have someone open their heart to you or to be invited into someone’s home or even in this day and age to be included in a private group text. Any time we are being invited to be in relationship with someone it truly is a privilege and a profound responsibility.
Yet at some point during a relationship, many of us stop treating the relationship as if it were sacred and start focusing on the problems instead of the privilege of being in relationship. When our hearts get hurt, we begin to push away, isolate, judge, lash out or act out, or somehow behave in a disrespectful or dishonoring manner. We end up wounding the people that we love the most and hurting the hearts that we had the privilege to hold. Ultimately, we push away the ones we want to hold the closest.
This is just one of the reasons that doing shadow work is so important! When your shadows get triggered, your insecurities, limiting beliefs, and traumas all show up full force. You cannot see straight or act responsibly because your shadows wreak havoc on who you are being. You are being guided by your wounds and not your wisdom. Your fear of being betrayed turns you into the betrayer, your shame of being abandoned turns you into the abandoner, and your feelings of not good enough have you act out in some way that affirms that you are not good enough, worthy enough, or deserving enough to be in such an amazing relationship.
If you want to create sacred relationships with others, it starts with healing your own heart. For others to feel safe around you, you need to feel safe within yourself. To understand the privilege of being in relationship with someone else, you need to grasp what a privilege it is to be in relationship with yourself. To attain this perspective of privilege, you need to do your work and look at your issues, wounds, judgments, agendas, righteous positions, and beliefs. You need to embrace all of who you are -- your light and dark -- to feel deserving enough to have others do the same. This is why we always hear from the students in our coaching training and the people who attend The Shadow Process that their relationships totally shift after the workshop. When you make peace with your shadows you don't have to project them on to others and sabotage your relationships!!!
Everyone who comes into your life is there to heal you. They are there to show you some piece of yourself or the shadows that you need to own so that you can be your fullest and most loving self. No matter what has happened in your past, it is never too late to have that one relationship of your dreams and a community of healthy and supportive people around you.
When you take on healing your heart, you will realize that anyone who crosses your path, especially those who trigger your deepest insecurities or wounds, are truly there as your greatest teachers. Instead of pushing or running away from these people, welcome them in. They can be the catalyst for you to heal your heart and attract the love you’ve been waiting for.
And if you feel you want to go deeper in healing your heart and creating a more sacred and safe relationship with yourself and others, we invite you to join us for a very special program - Healing Your Heart, a 13-week online group coaching program I’ll be teaching live starting next Tuesday.
Transformational Action Steps
(1) Become honest with yourself. The first step in healing your heart is to look at how your wounds, insecurities, and hurts are impacting your present relationships.
(2) Spend some time this week reflecting on what would be possible if you weren’t reacting or allowing those wounds, insecurities, and hurts to run your relationships and instead were responding out of love for yourself and others.
(3) To make peace with your past and step into healthier and more fulfilling relationship, join me for Healing Your Heart. It’s time to transform all of your relationships – especially the one with yourself. Click here for details.