Thoughts on Valentine’s Day, and How to Manifest a Partner 101

It’s the week of the Valentine’s holiday here in North America and since we’ve traditionally been so heavily pushed to pay attention to it, it’s always been the week, (when I still did one on one consultations) where every single client who wanted to be in partnership would focus on the question “ How can I attract my soul mate or the impossible question- When will I meet my soulmate?” This is the week where Love and the Law of Attraction dance together. It’s also the week where many of us have memories that make the subject come alive and not always pleasant.

So in celebration and honor of all the aspects of the SuperBowl of Love – February 14th- here we go!

I wonder how you felt about this but, when I was little I loved going to school on Valentine’s Day because we had an important task- to spend the morning immersed in creating evidence of LOVE and devotion on paper hearts which would then be delivered to everyone in the class in the afternoon. I was taught it was a day to value love in all forms and one to give and receive declarations of love. No one was left out and sometimes you’d get a nice message from a kid you’d previously ignored. Even the snooty mean girls might share their chocolate spontaneously. It was, for the most part, a moment of sharing LOVE that transcended our separation.

To this day I love the smell of construction paper and glue because it reminds me of the excitement and joy of making special cards for my family and my classmates and even my dog too. While, I don’t remember that I was taught the historical meaning of the day I do remember that February 14th was supposed to be like Christmas- a very special day. Until I became a teenager and it got weird.

My dear friend and love expert, Dr. Lara Fernandez, has graciously agreed to share three soulmate manifesting tips for you today:

1. Stop thinking you have all the answers.

If you are over 30, single and really don’t want to be, and have been trying for years to find love, then there’s still some more you need to learn about yourself, about men (or women), and relationships. Be willing to have what the Buddhists call a “beginner’s mind” and embrace the journey to your soulmate as a learning process.

People who are know-it-alls are NOT attractive to a healthy relationship… they either end up pushing a good person away or attracting a man who is insecure. Stay humble (yet balanced with a gentle confidence) in your pursuit of your dream life.

Become what I call a “Student of Love.” Commit to continued learning and growing in this area of love and relationships. This learning will serve you not only in finding your Mr. Right… but KEEPING him and maintaining a happy, healthy, thriving relationship for years to come.

2. Be kind to yourself.

There are big changes that are happening in terms of the information age, with travel, with movements in psychology. You are a member of a large number of people who are starting to see the world differently from the socialization process they grew up with, the way they were cultured.

The question is, “How do you deal with change?” Or really, “How do you deal with the unknown?”

I watch people who understand that the economic disparities in this culture are creating destabilization and seeds of discontent, hatred, ill will, revolution, and everything. Some of these same people have a lot of money, and so they have the discomfort of realizing they are a problem. They are anxious because they grew up in a value system where they were taught that money is important for happiness. I watched some of those people begin to realize that keeping that disparity the same, in terms of excess and unnecessary expensive stuff, is cutting them off. It’s hurting them and it’s isolating them from the rest of the world, because they’re busy having to ‘not see certain things in order to stay happy’ and hold onto what they have.

I was teaching a course around homelessness at St. John the Divine some years back, and everybody in the class, a couple hundred people, had to go out and do service with a soup kitchen or shelters or something, or helping with street patrols.

Dating, whether you love it or loathe it, is an indispensable part of the soulmate manifestation process (and regular date nights are essential once you are a couple). Eventually, there will be a “first dinner date.” What you order will let him or her know if you have a healthy appetite for love and life.

On these early dates, we want to let our large appetite for life, our enthusiasm for life, really shine through as much as possible.

For those of you with gluten or other sensitivities (I fall into this category), it might be best just to order something you know is “safe” for you to eat rather than engage in a big conversation with the server, which will lead to a talk about your various ailments which might make you appear “high maintenance.”

If you are vegan or vegetarian, no problem, as long as you aren’t sitting in judgment if your date orders a steak. If you are a strident vegan, and you can’t watch anyone eat meat products, that is something to figure out BEFORE you go out on a dinner date.

For those of you “foodies” out there…be adventurous and let your date know that you love trying new things.  Foodies need to find each other!

One other thought:  Judging how someone else eats, even if you believe they are harming themselves, is toxic to you, not them.

Love is quite simply the most precious possession in existence. And my mission is to share the best insights I know to bring more love into each of your lives. Today, I want to share the most powerful way to create MORE LOVE in your life in 2018.

This beautiful insight comes from my dear friend Ken Page’s game-changing best seller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.

If you want more love in 2018, try this life-changing exercise from Ken:

Think about all the people you know, from your nearest and dearest to people you may not have thought about for years. And just ask yourself these three questions:

• Who truly loves me?

• Who sees and treasures me for who I really am?

• Whom do I trust to have my best interests at heart?

Each of the people you picked is gold. They are your personal dream-team in life. The very wisest path to love is to nurture these relationships – by doing three things:

Practice giving more to each one of these precious people.

Practice asking for more from each of them as well (yes, it’s true, asking for more is an act of intimacy!)

And most of all: enjoy them. This last suggestion is perhaps the greatest act of life wisdom that I know.

Follow these 3 steps and watch 2018 blossom into the most love-filled year of your life.

In Deeper Dating, Ken teaches “micro-meditations;” small practices that take less than three minutes, but have the power to enrich your entire intimacy journey. This micro-meditation can be your foundation for a love-filled 2018.

Micro-Meditation: The Love that’s Already Yours

Last year around New Year’s, my kids and I stood around a fire. One by one, we threw into the fire what we wanted to burn from the past year. We also voiced our intentions for our lives moving forward.

We did it again this year, but this time, I had just one intention that I wanted to set. That was to live and lead from a place of love. That’s it. Every other intention I’ve made in the past pales in comparison.

Trust me, leading from a place of love is going to be way harder than losing 10 pounds (which can be done, but it always comes back — at least for me). It’s going to be way harder than silencing the critical voice in my head (although I did make progress on that last year, so I’m proud of myself for that). It’s also going to be way harder than giving up sugar (well, that is pretty hard, so maybe I’ll save that one for Lent).

Yes, leading from a place of love is going to be my toughest intention yet because it means I’m going to have to show love to people who don’t show it to me. It means I’m going to have to show it to people who I don’t agree with, who I don’t care for, and who don’t show it to those that I do care about. It also means I’m going to have to find it deep within myself when my first reaction might be anything but loving.

The ball descends, the wild bells ring out and the minute hand moves to 12. This is the moment when we choose to celebrate renewal, rebirth and rejuvenation. In this moment, we are hopeful. We reflect. We have resolve. And then, for too many of us, the moment fades and along with it the hope and resolve for lasting change.

Like you, with the stroke of midnight, as another year slipped away, the limitless potential of a new beginning rose before me. Yet, as I recognized that potential, I also knew that I had a choice. I could choose to let that limitless potential fade, to let this moment slip by, or I could chose to strengthen my resolve to embrace myself with love.

Easy choice, right? Of course. Yet, why did it feel so damn difficult?

All changes are difficult, especially positive ones because it means that we have to give up some of the dark stuff that gives us false comfort. Without that false comfort, we have to start committing to building real, long-term comfort. And that’s where it gets scary. I can do this now, but how in the hell am I going to do this next week, next month or for an entire year?

So rather than getting lost in an overwhelming future, let’s instead focus on this moment only. Positive change in the long haul is the ultimate goal, but you only get there with a series of daily steps. I realized that all I had to do was make a commitment to love myself TODAY. And with the precious gift of one more day on this earth, I choose to be an awakened custodian of all that I am consciously calling in.

Last year I practiced softer living, finding space to let myself be open to all possibilities. To say yes more often than automatically saying no when an opportunity presented that seemed too hard or uncomfortable to manage. As 2018 approached, I thought about what I wanted to achieve over the next twelve months to continue fitting into a skin that felt comfortable. What could I work on that would help me be a better version of myself and a better human in this world?

“Mom!” That’s the voice of my youngest dragging me out of my contemplation and forcing me back to the present. “Did you hear me?”

“Of course.” Truth? I did not hear her. She sighs and I pick up my phone. I scroll through a social media feed and notice a post from a favorite clothing boutique of mine. The post announces that the color of 2018 is ultra-violet purple. I get excited because for once I have something to say that my thirteen-year-old may actually be interested in hearing.

Self-love seems to be the hot topic in the personal growth movement these days and when it comes to finding soulmate love, there are a lot of myths that until you love yourself first, you won’t be able to get anyone else to love you.  Can this really be true?

My experience has been that most women (at least in the Northern hemisphere) live with a negative, critical voice in their heads that is often filled with ugly, shaming thoughts, self-doubt, and brings with it feelings of never being “good enough.”

And, I began to wonder, do you really have to eliminate that persistent voice in order to find true love?

Do we really need to be 100% in love with ourselves to experience Big Love?

I don’t think so.

We come together in relationship with another for our evolution and growth.

The people you attract are simply mirror manifestations in that moment in time that reflect who you are.

The friends that you attract to you reflect your current level of consciousness.

You attracted friends into your life because at that time you were a vibrational match and you had certain lessons to teach each other.

The success of a friendship isn’t about the duration that you stay friends with someone, but the degree to which you both grow, evolve, and become more authentically your true Self.

Staying in a friendship where you are both no longer growing simply because of obligation, guilt, or because you made a commitment years ago, is not success.

“Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see.” ~The Conductor, Polar Express

So, what's on your holiday list this year? A healthy dose of rage for the husband who doesn't even pretend to be civil around your extended family?

Insurmountable sadness for the child who has chosen such an alternative path of independence that he or she refuses to come home to celebrate anymore? Incalculable jealousy for the whip-smart size 6 sister who just received the ultimate career promotion all while being married to the doting husband and whose children both received full-ride scholarships to college? Perhaps it's a super-sized portion of guilt and self-pity as you polish off the last of the homemade Christmas cookies and gooey toffee by candlelight once the kids are tucked in snug as little bugs awaiting the arrival of jolly old St. Nicholas.

As you mix a strong vodka martini to attempt to drown your emotional landscape, allow me to share with you the one precious and unexpected gift I received this year that delivered such a profound ‘ah ha!’ moment that my own personal and protected list of transgressions have shriveled to almost nothing.

Not long ago, as the monster category 5 storm named Hurricane Irma was beating a path to our front door, I experienced what I can only describe as a miracle of consciousness.

My fabulous men, feel free to read this, but know that this message is intended for the ladies.

As part of The Love Codes online course I am currently teaching with the fabulous Claire Zammit, I’ve been reading a lot of online profiles from our students. And I continuously see a pattern that got me thinking about the vast differences between the way men and women think and process love.

This past week got off to a love-filled start, with the announcement of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s engagement.

Their news made me happy, as it did so many others. I felt happy for them as a couple. I felt happy for this story of joy, hope and acceptance by the world.