Here is a list of three false beliefs that betray our hearts and poison our relationships. The more aware we can become of these long-conditioned false beliefs and how they compromise our ability to have fulfilling relationships, the more freedom we will win from them:
False belief # 1: Our value as a person is determined by how others see us.
If we believe our individual worth depends on how others see us, we live with the fear of being judged by them, where trying to win their approval causes us to compromise ourselves again and again. People sense this kind of weakness in us, causing them to resist us, which in turn, makes us feel even “needier.” The cycle deepens, things get worse. Here’s the solution. Seeing its truth sets us free: we are not in this world to “win” what we believe we must to feel “good” about ourselves, but rather to realize that who we are – our True Self – is already whole, happy, and complete.
False belief #2: We are responsible for the happiness of others.
Each of us experiences disappointment and heartache in life. It’s part of the process through which we learn to let go of unnecessary demands and false dependence on others. There’s nothing any of us can do to determine the level of happiness of another. We may temporarily please them, but ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves. Even in the most loving relationship, each person is self-responsible. Don’t let anyone else coerce you into believing their happiness depends on you. And don’t you try to coerce anyone else.
False belief #3: We have to put up with and tolerate people who have made the choice to live with negativity and spread it to others.
If our partner is always spewing negativity on us, we should not act as though it’s okay. We’re not doing them, or ourselves, any favors by placating them or bowing to their negativity. If we don’t learn "how to use” their negativity to strengthen ourselves, our own negative reaction to them will use us up. Instead, we can make up our mind that when we see our partner in that negative state, our attention will remain on our own reactions to them and not on the other person. This shift in attention helps us realize what it is we really need to be free of... “ourselves”! This helps keep us from getting dragged into their state. As a bonus, our new way of acting toward them may actually help them see themselves and give them a chance to come out of their negative state on their own.
As you consider each of the above three points, ask yourself these questions – and be honest:
Do I believe this statement is true? Look back over your own experiences and actions to see if there’s any proof that you do hold this false belief.
If I have made compromises because of this belief, what has been the cost to myself and others? Really seeing this will strengthen your wish to change.
Can I think of examples where I have had to justify my actions to myself, or other people, because I behaved in accordance with this belief? Let your desire to stop compromising yourself lead to a genuine life.
When you work with these ideas you may make some discoveries that are difficult to bear. Welcome them instead of resisting your own reaction to them. As you do this you’ll come to realize that your most important relationship in life is with the Truth that sets you free. Work on building that, and all your other relationships will benefit.
Finally, consider this last thought: The real source of our resentment toward others is not due to the power we think they have and hold over us; rather it arises from a secret weakness within us that keeps us believing that someone else holds the key to our well being.
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