It's easy to forget that we are all perfect in our own design. Sometimes we muck it up with habits and choices that do not serve us.
When I was a very young child, I quickly learned to jump out of myself whenever my mother was angry at me – which was often. Her anger was very scary to me and I wanted to get her to stop. Sometimes I felt so crushed and shattered by her anger that I felt like I was going to die. So I would jump out of myself to try to please her, hoping that this would get her to like me instead of hate me.
Of course, I continued doing this in my marriage, as my husband’s anger scared me just as much as my mother’s. I didn’t realize that any time I went out of myself instead of going inside and tending to my own feelings (which I couldn’t do as a child and didn’t know how to do as a young adult) I was abandoning myself.
I want to share with you exactly what I do now.
Having practiced Inner Bonding for many years, I’m now instantly tuned into my feelings. When someone I’m close to gets angry at me, or even just disconnects from themselves and therefore from me, I immediately feel the loneliness and heartbreak of that within me. Whereas that heartbreak used to be the trigger for me to try to control them, now it is the signal for me to go in and compassionately tend to my feelings. Here is exactly what I do:
Of course, when I used to disconnect from myself, my little girl felt abandoned by me, which made her feel very scared and alone. Now that I don’t disconnect from her in the face of another’s anger or disconnection, she feels safe – even when another person is angry at me or disconnected from themself and from me.
In the past, when I disconnected from myself in the face of another’s anger or disconnection, I would end up feeling angry and victimized. I would give myself up, trying to placate them, and I would say things to myself like, “How dare they treat me this way,” or “I don’t deserve this treatment.” Sometimes I would punish them with my own anger or withdrawal, or by ‘speaking up for myself,’ which did nothing to help my inner child feel loved or safe. It often took days for me to get back to inner peace.
Now, because I don’t disconnect from myself, I don’t lose my peace. I no longer need to punish the other person or try to control them in any way – as long as I stay connected with myself and my guidance and take responsibility for my painful feelings, even when they are being caused by others.
Sometimes it’s important to open to learning with the other person – when both of you are open – and lovingly discuss the issue. Other times the issue will seem to evaporate when both of you are once again open.
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